The notion of thought.

It's been a while since I updated this blog with my thoughts so here are the updates:

Direction taking it's toll.
I sometimes develop envy of those who know exactly where they are heading in they're lives. Some people I know tell me that they've wanted to pursue medicine, or art, or mathematics all their life, right from the beginning, and I can't help but be slightly jealous of their confidence that their choices that are solid. I myself have gone through changes that seldom stick: A few months ago I was going to pursue art and illustration. A few months back from that I was seriously considering I.T and animation. Now I feel my forte would be music production and/or music performance, possibly business. It's the thought process that takes over my mind every day. At least once a day I consider this or that, and then I may change my decision based on an easy influence or something somewhat appealing. Needless to say, this way of thinking and problem-solving is not an easy one. Being easily influenced by the goods of a career is difficult, and it comes a point where your just standing in the middle of a flurry of all thoughts binding in as one, with so many crossroad directions it starts to get you confused and annoyed. I don't know how I am going to solve this, be it time, be it sticking to one direction and not straying. Perhaps I need some serious meditation time to myself, or a wallop on the head with a barge pole or the like...

Me, myself and I.
Yes I still have that old-age issue of 'me'. Well what about 'me'? These days I have a more positive opinion of myself. I make myself think more positive because it's valuable and more healthy in the long run to do so. I've even established a 'flower-powery' sense of it all whereby I tell myself I must be grateful for what I have, my abilities, the fact that I can live independently and that I have no medical conditions that stop me from living 'free' , or that I'm not living in a country where suppression takes it's toll to a large effect. Now even though I ingrain this every day, or at least try to, I then start to question how much of what I really think of 'me' am I suppressing and how much is really developing a positive sense of oneself? The same goes for inner happiness: 'How much am I suppressing the fact that I am not happy, and how much am I pretending to be happy as a result of that suppression?'. There will be days where I can smile without feeling awkward and pretentious, and then there are other days where I really find it hard to do just that simple task. On occasions I admit, I have the tendency to sit and start crying for no apparent reason. Luckily that happens less frequently then it did before, which proves to me then, that I am steadily becoming more content in myself and develop more self-confidence.
Yet I can look in a mirror and think 'I'm o.k' but when out with other people the view of me becomes more negative and more self-absorbed. Perhaps it's because of personal identity issues. Not big issues mind you, but smaller ones, primarily to do with the way I showcase myself through dress sense, behavior, and so forth. It's used to be all about 'I'm going to BE GAY!' but now it's becoming more of 'Why do I have to shout it out? If people don't know, they may never know. If they want to know, ask and if they know then not a problem as long as they don't impose discriminatory actions on me in any circumstance'.


Quest for people.
I hope I do not offend any of my friends when I say this, because it is not meant to cause offense in any case.
However wonderful it might be to go out and have fun, drink lots of wine, laugh ourselves stupid, talk about things that don't have much relevance but at the time are the most hilarious topics in discussion, and generally be buzzed on the very likabilities of being out together, lately I have really felt the need to break away. Not on a permanent basis, not at all. I feel the need to withdraw myself a little bit to really focus on my own train of thinking, on what I really intend to do and to follow the reason why I came to London in the first place: for creative opportunities. Being in London, the opportunities for most things are endless, and I am rather disheartened to know that those are flying past me right now. Every opportunity is probably smacking me in face laughing at my lack of efforts in the knowledge that it can offer me more valuable networking and social attributes to get closer to whatever I end up pursuing, career wise. with a busy city like this, I can't imagine anyone stopping within a midst of rushing people, and coming up to me saying 'you know what Nada, I'm going to offer you this. Either take it or leave it, but I'm offering'. Right now, it's very much a case of the shrugging of the shoulders effect, and really, to be honest. I mean, shall I be honest with myself now? This is LONDON! It's fast paced, it moves quicker and it takes everyone with it. Therefore I think I might need to join the bundle of people to get where I need to go. Not because it might be too late, but simply because with a whole bunch of opportunities, there is going to be at least one that helps shapes the direction of where I am going.
Now to do that, it's a 'quest for people'. People are the very inclinations of where I end up going. They are the key to my scope of focus and if that's the case, then it's time I end up meeting likewise people. Time to research. Time to get my foot through some doors, so to speak.

Affirmation of independence, mindfully.
Since moving to London about five months ago, I have developed a lot more stability and independence which I feel is fantastic, given the way I am going right now. London I think, has that effect on people, especially if you seek out to live on the cusp of simply a weeks decision. I'd came here a few weekends, ended up loving visiting the place and decided there and then to move. Eight weeks later I was here living with a friend, knowing no one but the people I work with.
Presently I'm glad to say time has been kind to me, as I have been to time, and I am developing a string of good friends, slowly but surely.
I think London is just so fast paced that your mindset tends to adapt to that. I dislike being hassled on a street because I know I have to get somewhere all the time and as a result of that, I tend not to acknowledge those who ask for say, money or charity fund raisers etc. I never am rude because these people have jobs to do as well, but I have realized that I am generally more solid and have my feet firmly placed on the ground these days. In a sense I like it because I am not allowing myself to be walked over by anyone. With that I'm becoming more thick skinned and more confident in my independence and the beginnings of self-belief are starting to come about. As long as I do not become arrogant, this way of treading each day I feel is healthy, and will enable me to rise to a good position in, well, life generally.

Relationships.
Ah ha. How many times have I talked about this? My relationship count is next to nothing (If I don't include the one with an ex-boyfriend that lasted for all about six months. I don't class that as a relationship simply because I did not feel what I should have, if it were honest). I guess the only reason I'm mentioning this (in a purposely more small paragraph then the aforementioned) is because it does play on my mind, but definitely not so much as I used to. I've been listening to my friends tell stories and voice their problems they are having with their girlfriends/boyfriends. I see the stress in their face as they talk and the concern that they voice, and sometimes I am envious that they have a person in their lives that they can harp on about. But that is just sometimes. Nowadays, luckily, I sit and though the trickle of that sad thought: 'well I have nobody' drips through, the majority of my way of thinking is more healthy. I am starting appreciate very much the pro's of being single. I have no idea what a real relationship entails, but I can very much imagine it's fantastic when it goes an expected way, but torture when not. It's been eight months since I even last kissed a girl and though most people may gasp at that fact, (even I used to at myself!) I no longer find it shocking and becoming more accepting that it's really not the end of the world if I do not have a girlfriend. I wish not to get emotionally hurt at this point in my life where it's crucial that I start to develop focus, therefore I will not get involved with just anyone for the sake of wanting some fun. I've realized also that 'the scene' is so small. Make friends with a lesbian who lives in London and your guaranteed that they will have at least one mutual friend on your list. Not a bad thing I know, but I've seen some situations where things get out of hand because of a certain complication or development that was not so good, and to be in the midst of a bit of a crisis like some I've seen is not worth exerting efforts over. It's the exact reason why I remain quiet, I don't voice opinions about anything unless someone specifically requests any constructive criticisms from me. I go out, I have fun, I go home. In saying this though, it's extremely easy to be placed in the forefront of a development, even when it's not yours to deal with initially. The general vibe however, is friendly enough to spend a night in.


And that's all for now. I could write a host more of my thoughts, but I feel that is to be left for another day. Perhaps the next section will be 'Revenge and why it's not worth it' as I've been philosophizing a lot on the very topic, however that I think needs it's own separate entry!

Until next time.

Wogomama.