If I was straight I would probably be engaged by now. I'd put money on that quite happily. In fact if I had a stockpile of thousands I'd push it all out onto the betting board along with every other material thing I owned.
I've come across many men in my life which has most definitely had that concoction of being naturally handsome and at the same time kind hearted. The man I dated last before I 'came out' was dark and had that mysterious aura about him. He had a good and healthy body as well as a likeable mental attitude and above all harboured fantastic morals. He was a calm person, logical and had a good solid career. He valued a woman for all she was worth and did the best he could to achieve satisfaction for her on so many levels. Alas, I did not feel the same way despite us doing the things that required intimacy.
It was thereafter I decided that it certainly was not fair on him (or any other man for that matter) to live in pretense and confirm their beliefs through a very false affirmation on my behalf.
I've been openly gay for the past year almost: It will be a year in August. At the beginning I was very keen to jump the bandwagon and do the whole experimenting thing. I went to clubs, I kissed girls when I was relatively drunk, I've been with two girls in bed and 'fooled around' as well as dating one or two. Not one single individual satisfied me either on a mental, emotional or physical level. Nothing what-so-ever.
And I was fine with that. It was a time where all these concepts were brand new to me therefore i did not care what it was I was after, as long as I was getting some stimulation based purely on the fact that I was kissing another girl and she was in fact a 'she', not a 'he'.
Flip forward to the present day. I fell for a girl at work. She knew that because I told her. Today I received a heartwarming message from her telling me how she felt about me. No blow to the ego what-so-ever: I found out that she felt a connection but not on a purely romantic level. I smiled at the whole message because for me, the fact that this individual recognised what I said to her, considered it and took the time to write a meaningful response back is a great act of courtesy in itself.
Navigating off that message (after reading it and smiling coyly about three or four times) I almost suddenly felt a jerk in the back of my mind: a though jerked. The dreaded thought that has been like a tornado of thoughts for a week or two now. It's not a thought, it's a question. That question being:
'Will I ever meet someone who feels the same sort of attraction to me as I do for them?'
The thought deepens:
'Will I ever experience the feeling of true love in a unique, soulful way towards a girl in this lifetime?'
In retrospect these are ridiculous questions. Everyone, (including myself if I be completely honest and realistic) will state that 'yes, off course you will. Off course!'.
But for some reason, already I'm finding it hard to keep the faith in everything here. I wake up each morning these days using the pillow as a substitute for a girl I'm yearning to cuddle and greet her with a kiss to when I wake up. I don't at all have a huge sex drive these days. I just know that I am wishing solidly for companionship.
Philosophers would say that loneliness is a state of mind. It's also said everywhere in every logical sense that you should not need a lover to make you happy. Happiness is an occurance inside of you. It is established via your own train of thought and the reaction you have towards the situations you find yourself in. I know, for instance, that this is a very negative take on the whole notion of romance and compatibility. I know very well that there is more than one person out there that would contribute to my overall happiness, but I'm under-estimating time. I'm under-estimating myself. I'm under-estimating the force of human commitment and communication. I am well aware that I am acting out of 'wishful thinking' and I know why that is. That is currently because I met a girl whom I thought was absolutely fantastic and now she is not there anymore. I miss her a lot, and I know in my heart of hearts and she knows in her heart of hearts that the compatiblities between the two of us is not possible because of the over-lapping obstacles that lie around. Those obstacles are entites of nature itself and both our characteristics.
I managed to get close to a girl I liked in a way that I have never got so close before. I guess I miss that, even if it were for just a short space of time. Perhaps I'm reacting in the knowledge of the fact that there is only one person that is exactly like her and that I know I will never be with her in that way.
However...
In this situation I'm not worried because I know very well that every person is different. Every person sports different capabilities, interests, personalities, morals, motivations, characteristics, images and everything else that is involved in making us whole and individualistic.
I just don't want to miss out on that vital part of life. It might not even be vital, but it's certainly something I wish to experience.
Logically thinking I know I should focus on my career, my health, my friends and family and the world around me and my interaction with it.
This is why I'm treading down the spiritual and philosophical path these days. I want to know my true capacilities and abilities. I want to build my self confidence to do performing arts. I want to be more motivated to get out there and meet more people in social events...But as long as my head is filled with the romantic idealisms of love and romance, I will not edge towards these targets.
Therefore from now on I vow to do the things I love doing that steer the opposite direction from the aforementioned topics that clog my mind up so much lately.
First thing's first, my meditation class tomorrow. It's my first one and I'm looking forward to a new activity that will help me achieve a better state of mind.
Friday, 30 May 2008
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Attachment.
Well there's a word for you.
What conjures up your thoughts when you hear that? Perhaps a physical resemblance like holding someone's hand. Perhaps an attachment to a brilliant idea that you thought of. Perhaps the link to a technical piece of equipment.
'Human attachment'.
Something we all experience at every waking moment in our lives. We are attached to people, we have to be. We rely on it for the process and distinction of information. We rely on attachment, perhaps for contentment purposes: so that we know there is someone with us in times of any need.
But do we really have to be attached to people all the time? What is the real purpose of attachment and why do we do it obsessively at times?
See I don't even know why I'm really writing this because it's such a broad topic. Philosophers wouldn't bother reading this because what I'm saying probably interlinks so many generalisations that there is no point in breaking anything down of the aforementioned paragraphs and evaluating it. Therefore I'm going to focus on one particular 'type' of attachment that I personally question a lot and seek to unravel within myself.
That's 'love'.
Love off course rains down in many forms. I could be talking about love between lovers, love between friends, love between enemies, love between family, love between hate etc etc.
Jane Austin was a well-known writer and philosopher. She wrote on the lines of twenty- something books focusing on the notion of 'Love' and what it entails. I'm therefore guessing that talking about 'love' in choppy paragraphs here certainly does not establish any answer or kindle any well-rounded conclusions for what I am seeking.
My problem with love and attachment is that I seem to cling on quickly. Whether it's to do with the past or the fact that it's been nurtured in me is a different question. When I know I like a person a lot, I feel a lot for them on many levels be it emotional, mental and physical even. I can stop eating, my thoughts become infested with visions of that person and everything they've shown of themselves. Off course everyone develops that reaction, it's generally human nature when in regards to lust and love. But for me, because I yearn companionship so much, the moment there is a slight clue or hint that it could be offered to me, I jump at the chance head first. I've recently experienced that and I was sorely regretful when the opportunity most probably arose, and I did not take that 'leap of faith' as it's said. It was then I realised how much I yearned something like this to happen to me. I wanted it ridiculously, and yes, I still do. Not with the same person, but for it to just...happen: For me to kiss someone I really have feelings for and to feel the ultimate pleasure of being in that single moment. The divinity of it must be rare and unique when it does happen between two people.
This morning I woke up and I felt a sense of loneliness once again. Mainly because I was learning to disattach myself from someone I ended up being fond of so much, and yes, I am over the worse of it. I still reminisce, but I'm disciplining myself softly to think positive and logically: It is working. I'm letting 'nature take it's course' as they say, but also learning to believe in the fact that people do come and go in your life and these things are inevitable.
You have to let go.
This is what I mean about love and human attachment. This is why I'm considering easy meditation, so that I can calm myself on the inside and out and learn to deal with this in a different angle. A friend of mine said that she does a form of meditation whereby you learn to deal with attachment issues by looking inwardly. I guess it's all about taking an objective approach to these things rather then dealing with it in a difficult manner like I do.
In fact, right now I will do some research and start meditation classes. I believe it will help me move forward in the right direction and calm down a bit.
Is what I feel a need or a necessity. Methinks right now, it's a necessity. There are more important things in life to contend with then harbouring the mind with idealogies of love/lust/affection etc.
Idealism and fantasy can become dangerous.
I shall learn to strike a balance between all this.
In regards to the girl I liked so much, she never got back to me. I wrote her a message explaining exactly how I felt, and what I wanted her to know. She is yet to reply. It's a lost cause but instead of feeling hurt and rejected I'm certainly learning from the experience in a more positive light.
What conjures up your thoughts when you hear that? Perhaps a physical resemblance like holding someone's hand. Perhaps an attachment to a brilliant idea that you thought of. Perhaps the link to a technical piece of equipment.
'Human attachment'.
Something we all experience at every waking moment in our lives. We are attached to people, we have to be. We rely on it for the process and distinction of information. We rely on attachment, perhaps for contentment purposes: so that we know there is someone with us in times of any need.
But do we really have to be attached to people all the time? What is the real purpose of attachment and why do we do it obsessively at times?
See I don't even know why I'm really writing this because it's such a broad topic. Philosophers wouldn't bother reading this because what I'm saying probably interlinks so many generalisations that there is no point in breaking anything down of the aforementioned paragraphs and evaluating it. Therefore I'm going to focus on one particular 'type' of attachment that I personally question a lot and seek to unravel within myself.
That's 'love'.
Love off course rains down in many forms. I could be talking about love between lovers, love between friends, love between enemies, love between family, love between hate etc etc.
Jane Austin was a well-known writer and philosopher. She wrote on the lines of twenty- something books focusing on the notion of 'Love' and what it entails. I'm therefore guessing that talking about 'love' in choppy paragraphs here certainly does not establish any answer or kindle any well-rounded conclusions for what I am seeking.
My problem with love and attachment is that I seem to cling on quickly. Whether it's to do with the past or the fact that it's been nurtured in me is a different question. When I know I like a person a lot, I feel a lot for them on many levels be it emotional, mental and physical even. I can stop eating, my thoughts become infested with visions of that person and everything they've shown of themselves. Off course everyone develops that reaction, it's generally human nature when in regards to lust and love. But for me, because I yearn companionship so much, the moment there is a slight clue or hint that it could be offered to me, I jump at the chance head first. I've recently experienced that and I was sorely regretful when the opportunity most probably arose, and I did not take that 'leap of faith' as it's said. It was then I realised how much I yearned something like this to happen to me. I wanted it ridiculously, and yes, I still do. Not with the same person, but for it to just...happen: For me to kiss someone I really have feelings for and to feel the ultimate pleasure of being in that single moment. The divinity of it must be rare and unique when it does happen between two people.
This morning I woke up and I felt a sense of loneliness once again. Mainly because I was learning to disattach myself from someone I ended up being fond of so much, and yes, I am over the worse of it. I still reminisce, but I'm disciplining myself softly to think positive and logically: It is working. I'm letting 'nature take it's course' as they say, but also learning to believe in the fact that people do come and go in your life and these things are inevitable.
You have to let go.
This is what I mean about love and human attachment. This is why I'm considering easy meditation, so that I can calm myself on the inside and out and learn to deal with this in a different angle. A friend of mine said that she does a form of meditation whereby you learn to deal with attachment issues by looking inwardly. I guess it's all about taking an objective approach to these things rather then dealing with it in a difficult manner like I do.
In fact, right now I will do some research and start meditation classes. I believe it will help me move forward in the right direction and calm down a bit.
Is what I feel a need or a necessity. Methinks right now, it's a necessity. There are more important things in life to contend with then harbouring the mind with idealogies of love/lust/affection etc.
Idealism and fantasy can become dangerous.
I shall learn to strike a balance between all this.
In regards to the girl I liked so much, she never got back to me. I wrote her a message explaining exactly how I felt, and what I wanted her to know. She is yet to reply. It's a lost cause but instead of feeling hurt and rejected I'm certainly learning from the experience in a more positive light.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Bad dream.
I woke up at 8.30am this morning on the receipt of a bad dream. The content was to do with ghosts and bad ghost stories. I was due to move into a new place, that was quite cheap. A young guy came to me and described a scary ghost story that he deemed to be true in which it happened to him. His description was very vivid and I was envisioning the entire episode quite well. What happened after this was yet another penis dream. I can't quite tell whether I had it or it was just some kind of weird attachment on me. I cannot quite identify what happened there, but at one point I had one but it was fairly small in comparison to the other penis dream I had.
The dream was a mixture of many different things. I'm starting to remember other attributes actually, like a train that went from London to Littlehampton (A town near to where I used to live). The atmosphere in the dream was quite dim and I remember feeling pretty lost and alone in it. I was wondering around a lot not really knowing where I was going or what I was trying to pursue. I think at one point I went up and down and escalator trying to find direction.
I woke up feeling lonely and a little scared by the content of what I had dreamt. I switched the light on and checked my laptop and various applications like Facebook and Myspace before I placed it on the floor and slept for another few hours.
For some reason that lonely feeling is still inhibited in me from a few hours ago. I'm sitting here in my bed wishing someone was with me.
To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. All I know is that I want some enlightenment. I want to be able to go through a few months at least with no emotional rollercoasters like I tend to fucking experience most of the time. I'm thinking of taking this ten day meditation course up north of England or just going somewhere where I can relax and not be in the same surroundings that remind me of this and that. I know going away does not solve any problems but seriously, to me, it can. I'm torturing my mind by looking at where I am and reminded myself of this situation and that situation that happened and what good could have occured if I'd acted different.
I really need a holiday. I want to go to America to see my family, but the only slight issue is that they might all know I'm gay by now. My Dad threatened to tell all my immediate family when he found out I was gay.
I haven't said anything about this have I?
I will briefly outline it now then. Last sunday I texted my Dad after he texted me about the fact that I am invited to his birthday celebration. During the course of the texts I ended up telling him that I am gay. His response was 'I am tremendously upset, or otherwise I would not be a normal father who wants his daughters to grow up, get married and have children'. (who says gay couples cannot lead a healthy family life?). Later on he then proceeded to call my Mum and (as usual) shout at her down the phone: 'Did you know my daughter was gay?' and 'I'll fucking kick the shit out of her and her girlfriend if they ever step foot in my house'. All this is just anger talking but I knew he was going to be angry and I expected this reaction through and through. This is why I was not in the slightest surprised. He's one of the most narrow minded individuals I know: He's racist/selfish/tight with his money (No card or birthday present for my birthday)/stubborn and 'always right'. I still love him dearly though. You only have two parents in the world that cannot be replaced. Despite the stupid stuff he imposes and his subjective approaches I still love him as my Dad and always will do.
He texted me after he spoke to my Mum and expressed the fact that he would never accept me being gay but he would have to live with it. He mentioned that he would never want to meet my girlfriend, talk about it and wanted to pretend that this conversation never took place.
He mentioned to my Mum that he would tell my uncle's and aunt's and the family. My Mum tried to reason with him and said that they didn't need to know. His response was 'Off course they need to know, they have a right to know'.
I know my Grandmother knows. She seemed disappointed but was better at accepting it. My Mum told her which annoyed me at first because I specifically told my mum not to tell anyone without my permission. I don't even know what made her tell my Grandmother, but I don't care. I don't care who knows now. It's me, it's who I am and what I've become and it doesn't alter any aspect of my personality, my character and my morals.
I responded to my Dad's text by saying similar as to what I said above. He never responded and I expected that. It'll be a while before I see him again methinks but I don't mind. I've gone a year without seeing him because I had to get away so I think it's plausible to let 'nature take it's course' and allow him to come round to the idea.
Now I am literally going to force myself to get up and do something. This is fucking insane. I'm getting depressed over one thing that did not go right with me, and I'm spiralling into this ridiculous and pathetic way of life, that being sulking and sitting feeling sorry for myself and that fact that I missed out on something good. It's not like I've lost a fucking war, or that I've got a terminal health problem!
Get the fuck up Nada and stop moping about! Seriously...
The dream was a mixture of many different things. I'm starting to remember other attributes actually, like a train that went from London to Littlehampton (A town near to where I used to live). The atmosphere in the dream was quite dim and I remember feeling pretty lost and alone in it. I was wondering around a lot not really knowing where I was going or what I was trying to pursue. I think at one point I went up and down and escalator trying to find direction.
I woke up feeling lonely and a little scared by the content of what I had dreamt. I switched the light on and checked my laptop and various applications like Facebook and Myspace before I placed it on the floor and slept for another few hours.
For some reason that lonely feeling is still inhibited in me from a few hours ago. I'm sitting here in my bed wishing someone was with me.
To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. All I know is that I want some enlightenment. I want to be able to go through a few months at least with no emotional rollercoasters like I tend to fucking experience most of the time. I'm thinking of taking this ten day meditation course up north of England or just going somewhere where I can relax and not be in the same surroundings that remind me of this and that. I know going away does not solve any problems but seriously, to me, it can. I'm torturing my mind by looking at where I am and reminded myself of this situation and that situation that happened and what good could have occured if I'd acted different.
I really need a holiday. I want to go to America to see my family, but the only slight issue is that they might all know I'm gay by now. My Dad threatened to tell all my immediate family when he found out I was gay.
I haven't said anything about this have I?
I will briefly outline it now then. Last sunday I texted my Dad after he texted me about the fact that I am invited to his birthday celebration. During the course of the texts I ended up telling him that I am gay. His response was 'I am tremendously upset, or otherwise I would not be a normal father who wants his daughters to grow up, get married and have children'. (who says gay couples cannot lead a healthy family life?). Later on he then proceeded to call my Mum and (as usual) shout at her down the phone: 'Did you know my daughter was gay?' and 'I'll fucking kick the shit out of her and her girlfriend if they ever step foot in my house'. All this is just anger talking but I knew he was going to be angry and I expected this reaction through and through. This is why I was not in the slightest surprised. He's one of the most narrow minded individuals I know: He's racist/selfish/tight with his money (No card or birthday present for my birthday)/stubborn and 'always right'. I still love him dearly though. You only have two parents in the world that cannot be replaced. Despite the stupid stuff he imposes and his subjective approaches I still love him as my Dad and always will do.
He texted me after he spoke to my Mum and expressed the fact that he would never accept me being gay but he would have to live with it. He mentioned that he would never want to meet my girlfriend, talk about it and wanted to pretend that this conversation never took place.
He mentioned to my Mum that he would tell my uncle's and aunt's and the family. My Mum tried to reason with him and said that they didn't need to know. His response was 'Off course they need to know, they have a right to know'.
I know my Grandmother knows. She seemed disappointed but was better at accepting it. My Mum told her which annoyed me at first because I specifically told my mum not to tell anyone without my permission. I don't even know what made her tell my Grandmother, but I don't care. I don't care who knows now. It's me, it's who I am and what I've become and it doesn't alter any aspect of my personality, my character and my morals.
I responded to my Dad's text by saying similar as to what I said above. He never responded and I expected that. It'll be a while before I see him again methinks but I don't mind. I've gone a year without seeing him because I had to get away so I think it's plausible to let 'nature take it's course' and allow him to come round to the idea.
Now I am literally going to force myself to get up and do something. This is fucking insane. I'm getting depressed over one thing that did not go right with me, and I'm spiralling into this ridiculous and pathetic way of life, that being sulking and sitting feeling sorry for myself and that fact that I missed out on something good. It's not like I've lost a fucking war, or that I've got a terminal health problem!
Get the fuck up Nada and stop moping about! Seriously...
Saturday, 24 May 2008
This is hard.
I decided to go out into London today to walk around. I was spending far too much time just sitting and moping around like I have done the past few days or so. My sleep pattern has got weird. It's like a total reverse now. I sleep in the day and stay awake in the night.
So I ventured out today in the hope that if I am around crowds and masses of people I would feel more intune and buzzed up by the atmosphere. For a while I did, and it was great walking around Leicester Square, Soho then Piccadily for a bit. I bought a comedic film titled 'Throw Momma off the train' which my Mum claims it to be quite hilarious. I need that comedic factor right now.
Everything was great and all good and I was listeining to some funky music but slowly, slowly my mood winded down and on the way home I was finding it difficult to smile and remain laid back and relaxed. I knew that when I would get home, I'd have to contend with four fucking walls, no one to speak to and the internet which I am starting to hate because I'm literally forcing myself into reclusion it seems. Off course it's up to me what I do and what I don't do in this world, and I really did want to venture out clubbing tonight with friends and some good music, but alas, no friends texted me.
So here I am, back on the fucking internet writing in this blog because it's the only thing that allows me to release something and not scream instead. Screaming is not so good, not in an estate like this where the flats are literally packed and blocked like lego next to and on top of each other. I feel sorry for all the permanent residents around here who have to be relatively quiet most of the time. I feel even more sorry for the sex addicts out there who are loud, I mean, they have to consider the neighbours. Perhaps they just stick cotton-wool in their mouths to keep it quiet.
Oh I don't know do I.
But this is hard. Keeping a positive insight on things is not easy. I'm not trying to force myself to smile, I'm just trying to take this all at a better angle.
I might as well watch that film.
So I ventured out today in the hope that if I am around crowds and masses of people I would feel more intune and buzzed up by the atmosphere. For a while I did, and it was great walking around Leicester Square, Soho then Piccadily for a bit. I bought a comedic film titled 'Throw Momma off the train' which my Mum claims it to be quite hilarious. I need that comedic factor right now.
Everything was great and all good and I was listeining to some funky music but slowly, slowly my mood winded down and on the way home I was finding it difficult to smile and remain laid back and relaxed. I knew that when I would get home, I'd have to contend with four fucking walls, no one to speak to and the internet which I am starting to hate because I'm literally forcing myself into reclusion it seems. Off course it's up to me what I do and what I don't do in this world, and I really did want to venture out clubbing tonight with friends and some good music, but alas, no friends texted me.
So here I am, back on the fucking internet writing in this blog because it's the only thing that allows me to release something and not scream instead. Screaming is not so good, not in an estate like this where the flats are literally packed and blocked like lego next to and on top of each other. I feel sorry for all the permanent residents around here who have to be relatively quiet most of the time. I feel even more sorry for the sex addicts out there who are loud, I mean, they have to consider the neighbours. Perhaps they just stick cotton-wool in their mouths to keep it quiet.
Oh I don't know do I.
But this is hard. Keeping a positive insight on things is not easy. I'm not trying to force myself to smile, I'm just trying to take this all at a better angle.
I might as well watch that film.
Regret.
It's 12.55pm now. I went to bed at 5am after being out in London. I wasn't out late in fact, just until around midnight. I am nocturnal though so I can literally stay up for absolutely ages. The Internet off course, is a voluntary addiction. I have to refrain from staring at the screen for so long.
I'm breathing a sigh of...I don't know. Relief? Anxiety? Annoyance?
I feel subdued slightly but at the same time more calmer than I was yesterday. My worries have laxed a little bit and I feel more at ease. I still know the harsh lesson I have to learn though:
Regret.
Should there be such a thing? If I were an optimistic person perhaps regret would not appear in my dictionary because I wouldn't know how it felt. Do optimistic people feel regret once in a while though? I believe that regret is something you place upon yourself. It's not an emotion really, it's simply an action that sparks off those negative feelings. I think everyone imposes these kinds of things unecessarily at some point in their life. Some people pass over a good chance for a brilliant job, or a particular romance in their life that they let go of when deep down they knew it might not have been the right thing to do. Perhaps some people take a wrong direction in life and end up going through more hardship then they could have avoided.
I believe people who regret (like myself) learn their lessons in a harsher manner, all because of the way they dealt with things. I must admit I do not deal with situations kindly when I know that if I could turn back time, one move different could have altered my entire course of action for the better. However, you can not always tell whether what you do different will guide you down a clearer route. Life has a funny way of throwing spontaneous obstacles down your way, and usually off course, when you least expect it.
I know I'm a pessimist. I grew up with people who did not know how to implement a good psychological bringing up for me. Instead of reasoning and being objective, it was fulfilled with stupid arguments and disregards for people's feelings. But that is no reason for me to remain the way I am today. Everyone is in control of what they do and what action they take (Unless there is a medical disorder etc). Therefore I am in control of how I think, the ways in which I deal with situations and how I undertake my actions.
Why is it that people can spiral down into negativity when something not so good occurs, even though we all know that being positive conjures better feelings and thoughts and in the long term, it's much more healthier? I can only guess that the reason we dig ourselves down into that gaping hole is because our minds are already contending that way. Perhaps it's easier to keep in that state rather than making the effort to slide all the way up the other end of the scale to that positive light.
I think optimistic people are iconic. They are iconic to me because they can let go and problem solve to their advantage so well. They can accept the fact that situations occur for a reason and sometimes that situation may happen not to a persons liking but alas, it happens. You can tell very well who is optimistic because these people emit that glow, that free-spirited soulful energy. You can even see it through their smile and you know it's geniune. You know they are not smiling because they force themselves to. They smile because the world smiles with them, and they have that inner happiness and contentment that so many others have not achieved.
I know my issues and where they lye. I pretty much know where the problems are rooted and I also know that out of common sense and clarity of thought, I can pull myself out of that pessimistic mode and train myself to deal with life in more manageable and stress-free manner. After all, like I've always believed, everything you do is a state of mind and the decisions you make are more or less in your control.
I feel regret now and anxious still. I still cannot eat. This is the fourth day where I have eaten the very minimal. The reason I write in here so much lately is because I can transcribe my thoughts into tangeable and readable words, therefore I can analyse my way of thinking and nit-pick the bad habits I have got myself into. I could say so much more because what I'm basing all this on is a lot of philosophy and philosophy can be so detailed, it could go on forever. Well it practically does really: You establish an answer to a question you ask, and then to obtain the answer to that answer, you have to ask a question again. You just keep asking questions until you exhaust as many routes as possible.
I like philosophy. I would never study it, but I like to learn from it in a basic sort of manner. It helps you learn about yourself and not be ignorant about the aspects of who you are and how you can reach your full potential, in terms of general well-being. The ones who know where they stand with themselves and have realised their potential early on, are the ones who maintain the healthiest and favoured way of life.
I'd like to reach that target before I'm thirty. Off course to train your mind to think differently after years of operating the same way, it's not easy. Even though I might have written a whole blog on this, I know I will go and maintain the same state of mind as I had not so long ago, but at least I'm recognising what is not right and what I have to do to correct it.
Most people go through life not even considering that.
First thing is first I have to learn that regret is an option. I can choose to regret what happened not so long ago, or I can accept it and know that there are many other people in the world who I will meet, who will contribute to my overall happiness. In terms of romance, I must learn to not get so hung up over my expectations of something happening. I also try and predict the future too much. I keep saying to myself that it will be years that I will meet another girl who is remotely compatible with myself. Once again, this is negative thinking. Instead of this I should say perhaps:
'I met a nice girl who I liked a lot. She made me realise some aspects of myself that I did not know, like having issues with showing how I feel and exposing my softer side. Now I know that I have to work on it for the future. I also consider myself lucky that I met someone who liked me for who I am, and that I had that honour of meeting someone special. Some people never allow themselves to enjoy the moment like I did, despite my expectations not being fulfilled'
Everything is in my control.
I'm breathing a sigh of...I don't know. Relief? Anxiety? Annoyance?
I feel subdued slightly but at the same time more calmer than I was yesterday. My worries have laxed a little bit and I feel more at ease. I still know the harsh lesson I have to learn though:
Regret.
Should there be such a thing? If I were an optimistic person perhaps regret would not appear in my dictionary because I wouldn't know how it felt. Do optimistic people feel regret once in a while though? I believe that regret is something you place upon yourself. It's not an emotion really, it's simply an action that sparks off those negative feelings. I think everyone imposes these kinds of things unecessarily at some point in their life. Some people pass over a good chance for a brilliant job, or a particular romance in their life that they let go of when deep down they knew it might not have been the right thing to do. Perhaps some people take a wrong direction in life and end up going through more hardship then they could have avoided.
I believe people who regret (like myself) learn their lessons in a harsher manner, all because of the way they dealt with things. I must admit I do not deal with situations kindly when I know that if I could turn back time, one move different could have altered my entire course of action for the better. However, you can not always tell whether what you do different will guide you down a clearer route. Life has a funny way of throwing spontaneous obstacles down your way, and usually off course, when you least expect it.
I know I'm a pessimist. I grew up with people who did not know how to implement a good psychological bringing up for me. Instead of reasoning and being objective, it was fulfilled with stupid arguments and disregards for people's feelings. But that is no reason for me to remain the way I am today. Everyone is in control of what they do and what action they take (Unless there is a medical disorder etc). Therefore I am in control of how I think, the ways in which I deal with situations and how I undertake my actions.
Why is it that people can spiral down into negativity when something not so good occurs, even though we all know that being positive conjures better feelings and thoughts and in the long term, it's much more healthier? I can only guess that the reason we dig ourselves down into that gaping hole is because our minds are already contending that way. Perhaps it's easier to keep in that state rather than making the effort to slide all the way up the other end of the scale to that positive light.
I think optimistic people are iconic. They are iconic to me because they can let go and problem solve to their advantage so well. They can accept the fact that situations occur for a reason and sometimes that situation may happen not to a persons liking but alas, it happens. You can tell very well who is optimistic because these people emit that glow, that free-spirited soulful energy. You can even see it through their smile and you know it's geniune. You know they are not smiling because they force themselves to. They smile because the world smiles with them, and they have that inner happiness and contentment that so many others have not achieved.
I know my issues and where they lye. I pretty much know where the problems are rooted and I also know that out of common sense and clarity of thought, I can pull myself out of that pessimistic mode and train myself to deal with life in more manageable and stress-free manner. After all, like I've always believed, everything you do is a state of mind and the decisions you make are more or less in your control.
I feel regret now and anxious still. I still cannot eat. This is the fourth day where I have eaten the very minimal. The reason I write in here so much lately is because I can transcribe my thoughts into tangeable and readable words, therefore I can analyse my way of thinking and nit-pick the bad habits I have got myself into. I could say so much more because what I'm basing all this on is a lot of philosophy and philosophy can be so detailed, it could go on forever. Well it practically does really: You establish an answer to a question you ask, and then to obtain the answer to that answer, you have to ask a question again. You just keep asking questions until you exhaust as many routes as possible.
I like philosophy. I would never study it, but I like to learn from it in a basic sort of manner. It helps you learn about yourself and not be ignorant about the aspects of who you are and how you can reach your full potential, in terms of general well-being. The ones who know where they stand with themselves and have realised their potential early on, are the ones who maintain the healthiest and favoured way of life.
I'd like to reach that target before I'm thirty. Off course to train your mind to think differently after years of operating the same way, it's not easy. Even though I might have written a whole blog on this, I know I will go and maintain the same state of mind as I had not so long ago, but at least I'm recognising what is not right and what I have to do to correct it.
Most people go through life not even considering that.
First thing is first I have to learn that regret is an option. I can choose to regret what happened not so long ago, or I can accept it and know that there are many other people in the world who I will meet, who will contribute to my overall happiness. In terms of romance, I must learn to not get so hung up over my expectations of something happening. I also try and predict the future too much. I keep saying to myself that it will be years that I will meet another girl who is remotely compatible with myself. Once again, this is negative thinking. Instead of this I should say perhaps:
'I met a nice girl who I liked a lot. She made me realise some aspects of myself that I did not know, like having issues with showing how I feel and exposing my softer side. Now I know that I have to work on it for the future. I also consider myself lucky that I met someone who liked me for who I am, and that I had that honour of meeting someone special. Some people never allow themselves to enjoy the moment like I did, despite my expectations not being fulfilled'
Everything is in my control.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
My state of mind.
...So right now I'm sitting here glancing at my phone pondering whether I should give her a call and try to explain how I really feel.
Frustrated tears have succumb within the past day because I cannot understand the frequency of my own thoughts and feelings I tend to inhibit. Sometime's it's like I'm staring at a torn canvass or something pondering how the fuck it got so bad.
I pick up my phone and slide the top up that reveals the buttons. Who shall I call for a conversation? I firstly try to contact Ashi who had her phone off. Lost, I stare into space for a few seconds before my Mum figures prominently in my head. I call her home number once, no answer. I know that she leaves the phone lying around in all sorts of weird and wonderful places where she cannot get her hands on it in time, so I proceed to call her once again, in which she picks up.
'Mum, hi how are you?' I ask solemnly.
'Fine darling. How are you?' Her affectionate attitude spark my tears again, and I can't help but to start crying and asking for her help and advice. If it's anyone that I go running to in times of need it's always going to be her.
'Not good. I don't know Mum, I need you to help me with this situation. It's such a stupid thing but for some reason I'm really not happy'
I proceed to explain the full course of the situation that occured within the last twenty four hours and exactly why I had been kicking myself for the past four hours.
'It's because your inhibited' She goes to explain 'It's to do with how you were brought up, and that's ingrained in you. Your exactly like what your Dad used to be at twenty two, you find it hard to show emotion and feeling.'
I gathered this information in and knew what she was saying was completely right.
'But I don't understand why I can't show how I really feel Mum. When I was with her I was just...not doing anything even though I told her I liked her and I can't understand why I don't do anything and why I become so scared of something like this?'
What she said rung true and I know it's true. I know that being brought up in purely a negative atmosphere will become habitual in a person's way of thing. Especially if you are born into it. I don't sit and make out that my life in the past was the worse ever, because there are other situations where it gets very bad. I hate self pity and it's very rare I dip into it.
'Let me tell you something. Your Dad used to act like he didn't care at all, and people ended up thinking that he was a cold person who did not consider other people enough. He's a very narrow minded individual and you know that. I'm not saying that you are like him in that area, because you arn't. You are capable of showing emotions but you have to start releasing that inhibition and letting go.'
I sat and took in what she told me. Again what she said was logical. I'm coming to realise that when it comes to girls, me and any type of romance where you have to show how you feel fully, it's something that I cannot grasp onto. I think of it as a romantic idealism and how wonderful it would be to be open with a person who you like a lot. It's not unhealthy. In fact it is a nice thought once in a while, but it's a thought that conjures and takes over my mind so much that I get sad and sick of thinking and dreaming about it. I proceed:
'I mean this is silly because it's not like there has been a relationship. It's not like I've suffered from something major and terrible. It's just that I know I could have had a chance where I may have experienced something nice that I wanted to experience for once. I guess I crave it, because I wouldn't be this tangled up in my head about it'
She agreed with me. It's true, I want to experience romance so much even on the slightest most plainest level that I yearn for it. When you yearn for something, you put pressure on yourself and your mind to achieve it, yet to achieve the love or like of another person is very much out of your control. They are either mutually attracted to you or they arn't.
Mum explains:
'It's also about attachment Nada. I know you find it hard to disattach yourself from people, you've even said that yourself'
'I know Mum, but I don't know why I get attached so easily to people. It's silly and annoying. The usual person does not get attached like I do and I want to learn how to stop doing this'
'It's because your insecure' She states. 'Once again it's to do with your bringing up. You require such a sense of security out of other people because you never really had it in your life psychologically. Therefore you attach yourself to a person to maintain stability and security. This is where you need to learn to release your inhibitions and get to grips with the aspects of your own mind. Remember you cannot achieve happiness within other people'
She continues: 'You need to strike a balance between disattachement and attachment. You can disattach yourself from your Dad because of what you said to him about being a lesbian, so you just have to learn to prescribe that to other people and learn that individuals will leave you and others will come'.
Attachment is an issue to me. I know that too well. I cry over something so small like this. It's like I've just got out of a relationship or something of the like. I know that to be able to strike a balance between attachment and disattachment I have to start thinking logically and asking questions. Too many people flow through life acting upon ignorance and imposing stress upon themselves when that really is quite a negative necessity. I also know that I have to program my mind in accepting. In accepting that people come and go and situations turn out sour, maybe at times beyond our control.
My Mum was right: 'You have to set yourself the daily task of accepting. You have to maintain that balance between everything, your thoughts and feelings and learn to reason with yourself. Once you start to program your mind on a daily basis it eventually becomes automatic. What happens after that is that the mind is set free and releases stress from the body. You end up feeling better all around. It's a long process but once you ingrain that into your mind you achieve harmony through mind and body balance'.
'Then I can go on to achieve other things? Right? I mean..because it's not only this, it's other things about me too. It's the fact that I know I'm dismotivated about my career and I'm just not doing anything. I'm focusing on my social life right now and my job in which I need those long hours to gain financial stability' I said.
'You need to be able to free your mind from your inhibitions first because once you do this you effectively release yourself and many other doors are opened. Ask yourself why is it that you are dismotivated?'
She then posed the question directly to me. I pondered for a few seconds and then stated that it was to do with the fact that there are so many thoughts and desires spiralling in my head right now. They are hard to untangle. She answered that if it were anything that would mean that I would be more motivated to achieve things. I do know though, that confusion as to what I want to achieve in my life and the career path I want to follow is too diverse for me to pinpoint what I really want right now and yes, it's annoying me all the time. I answered honestly:
'In fact Mum I don't think it's dismotivation really. I think, well, it's laziness. I just can't be bothered to get up and do something like research a particular topic for instance and do things actively'
She replied: 'Seneca was an ancient philosopher, one of my favourites. Seneca states that 'Life is not short, life is long if you know how to use it'. I'm going to utilise that towards you. Ask what lazy means. Are you not wanting because of the fear of something? Instead of laziness is there an element of reluctance in your thoughts that are preventing you from going ahead with the things you wish to pursue? Nada you can choose to waste time, it's a decision you make. I also know that your mind needs to be fulfilled with knowledge. Your way of operating is the way in which you exist and the best way you get through life is through learning. The more you are keeping the mind inactive, the more that you are becoming frustrated and it's because you block it. Start to become bothered and obligate yourself with work. The more you tell yourself you should be bothered, the more you will be'
It's true though. I have a keen thirst for knowledge and learning. Lately I've been buying all sorts of magazines like 'Psychologies' and 'The National Geographic' because I just want to learn about different things. I find that when I gain a new piece of knowledge I feel better, even if I don't understand it thoroughly.
One last piece of advice rung well in my ears as to what my Mum said. She stated that 'nothing is without a cause'. What that basically refers to is that I should go back to the habit of asking questions and finding the root of a problem. If you always ask, find the answer, then ask again until you get to the bottom of the barrel so to speak, you have effectively dismantled the problem down thereby you can place logic and reasoning on top of that and act upon it in the most positive way.
In regards to her, I like her a lot. More then I thought I did. I know that I've lost out on a chance that might have been good and fun but in life, you live and you learn.
Everyone has problems of their own, but the people who rise above the crowd are the ones who seek to find a positive answer to those problems and integrate it within their daily routine.
It's not hard to start that process I don't think. First thing's first, I'm going to seek out a simple introduction to Philosophy and see where that takes me.
Thankyou for reading.
Frustrated tears have succumb within the past day because I cannot understand the frequency of my own thoughts and feelings I tend to inhibit. Sometime's it's like I'm staring at a torn canvass or something pondering how the fuck it got so bad.
I pick up my phone and slide the top up that reveals the buttons. Who shall I call for a conversation? I firstly try to contact Ashi who had her phone off. Lost, I stare into space for a few seconds before my Mum figures prominently in my head. I call her home number once, no answer. I know that she leaves the phone lying around in all sorts of weird and wonderful places where she cannot get her hands on it in time, so I proceed to call her once again, in which she picks up.
'Mum, hi how are you?' I ask solemnly.
'Fine darling. How are you?' Her affectionate attitude spark my tears again, and I can't help but to start crying and asking for her help and advice. If it's anyone that I go running to in times of need it's always going to be her.
'Not good. I don't know Mum, I need you to help me with this situation. It's such a stupid thing but for some reason I'm really not happy'
I proceed to explain the full course of the situation that occured within the last twenty four hours and exactly why I had been kicking myself for the past four hours.
'It's because your inhibited' She goes to explain 'It's to do with how you were brought up, and that's ingrained in you. Your exactly like what your Dad used to be at twenty two, you find it hard to show emotion and feeling.'
I gathered this information in and knew what she was saying was completely right.
'But I don't understand why I can't show how I really feel Mum. When I was with her I was just...not doing anything even though I told her I liked her and I can't understand why I don't do anything and why I become so scared of something like this?'
What she said rung true and I know it's true. I know that being brought up in purely a negative atmosphere will become habitual in a person's way of thing. Especially if you are born into it. I don't sit and make out that my life in the past was the worse ever, because there are other situations where it gets very bad. I hate self pity and it's very rare I dip into it.
'Let me tell you something. Your Dad used to act like he didn't care at all, and people ended up thinking that he was a cold person who did not consider other people enough. He's a very narrow minded individual and you know that. I'm not saying that you are like him in that area, because you arn't. You are capable of showing emotions but you have to start releasing that inhibition and letting go.'
I sat and took in what she told me. Again what she said was logical. I'm coming to realise that when it comes to girls, me and any type of romance where you have to show how you feel fully, it's something that I cannot grasp onto. I think of it as a romantic idealism and how wonderful it would be to be open with a person who you like a lot. It's not unhealthy. In fact it is a nice thought once in a while, but it's a thought that conjures and takes over my mind so much that I get sad and sick of thinking and dreaming about it. I proceed:
'I mean this is silly because it's not like there has been a relationship. It's not like I've suffered from something major and terrible. It's just that I know I could have had a chance where I may have experienced something nice that I wanted to experience for once. I guess I crave it, because I wouldn't be this tangled up in my head about it'
She agreed with me. It's true, I want to experience romance so much even on the slightest most plainest level that I yearn for it. When you yearn for something, you put pressure on yourself and your mind to achieve it, yet to achieve the love or like of another person is very much out of your control. They are either mutually attracted to you or they arn't.
Mum explains:
'It's also about attachment Nada. I know you find it hard to disattach yourself from people, you've even said that yourself'
'I know Mum, but I don't know why I get attached so easily to people. It's silly and annoying. The usual person does not get attached like I do and I want to learn how to stop doing this'
'It's because your insecure' She states. 'Once again it's to do with your bringing up. You require such a sense of security out of other people because you never really had it in your life psychologically. Therefore you attach yourself to a person to maintain stability and security. This is where you need to learn to release your inhibitions and get to grips with the aspects of your own mind. Remember you cannot achieve happiness within other people'
She continues: 'You need to strike a balance between disattachement and attachment. You can disattach yourself from your Dad because of what you said to him about being a lesbian, so you just have to learn to prescribe that to other people and learn that individuals will leave you and others will come'.
Attachment is an issue to me. I know that too well. I cry over something so small like this. It's like I've just got out of a relationship or something of the like. I know that to be able to strike a balance between attachment and disattachment I have to start thinking logically and asking questions. Too many people flow through life acting upon ignorance and imposing stress upon themselves when that really is quite a negative necessity. I also know that I have to program my mind in accepting. In accepting that people come and go and situations turn out sour, maybe at times beyond our control.
My Mum was right: 'You have to set yourself the daily task of accepting. You have to maintain that balance between everything, your thoughts and feelings and learn to reason with yourself. Once you start to program your mind on a daily basis it eventually becomes automatic. What happens after that is that the mind is set free and releases stress from the body. You end up feeling better all around. It's a long process but once you ingrain that into your mind you achieve harmony through mind and body balance'.
'Then I can go on to achieve other things? Right? I mean..because it's not only this, it's other things about me too. It's the fact that I know I'm dismotivated about my career and I'm just not doing anything. I'm focusing on my social life right now and my job in which I need those long hours to gain financial stability' I said.
'You need to be able to free your mind from your inhibitions first because once you do this you effectively release yourself and many other doors are opened. Ask yourself why is it that you are dismotivated?'
She then posed the question directly to me. I pondered for a few seconds and then stated that it was to do with the fact that there are so many thoughts and desires spiralling in my head right now. They are hard to untangle. She answered that if it were anything that would mean that I would be more motivated to achieve things. I do know though, that confusion as to what I want to achieve in my life and the career path I want to follow is too diverse for me to pinpoint what I really want right now and yes, it's annoying me all the time. I answered honestly:
'In fact Mum I don't think it's dismotivation really. I think, well, it's laziness. I just can't be bothered to get up and do something like research a particular topic for instance and do things actively'
She replied: 'Seneca was an ancient philosopher, one of my favourites. Seneca states that 'Life is not short, life is long if you know how to use it'. I'm going to utilise that towards you. Ask what lazy means. Are you not wanting because of the fear of something? Instead of laziness is there an element of reluctance in your thoughts that are preventing you from going ahead with the things you wish to pursue? Nada you can choose to waste time, it's a decision you make. I also know that your mind needs to be fulfilled with knowledge. Your way of operating is the way in which you exist and the best way you get through life is through learning. The more you are keeping the mind inactive, the more that you are becoming frustrated and it's because you block it. Start to become bothered and obligate yourself with work. The more you tell yourself you should be bothered, the more you will be'
It's true though. I have a keen thirst for knowledge and learning. Lately I've been buying all sorts of magazines like 'Psychologies' and 'The National Geographic' because I just want to learn about different things. I find that when I gain a new piece of knowledge I feel better, even if I don't understand it thoroughly.
One last piece of advice rung well in my ears as to what my Mum said. She stated that 'nothing is without a cause'. What that basically refers to is that I should go back to the habit of asking questions and finding the root of a problem. If you always ask, find the answer, then ask again until you get to the bottom of the barrel so to speak, you have effectively dismantled the problem down thereby you can place logic and reasoning on top of that and act upon it in the most positive way.
In regards to her, I like her a lot. More then I thought I did. I know that I've lost out on a chance that might have been good and fun but in life, you live and you learn.
Everyone has problems of their own, but the people who rise above the crowd are the ones who seek to find a positive answer to those problems and integrate it within their daily routine.
It's not hard to start that process I don't think. First thing's first, I'm going to seek out a simple introduction to Philosophy and see where that takes me.
Thankyou for reading.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
The new trainers.
So I sat there with my new trainers in my hands, sitting on the end of my bed last night staring at them with silent tears rolling down my face. I then dropped them on the floor and swung myself round onto the bed and lyed face up, staring at the ceiling, still in a flurry and crying quietly.
No one cries for trainers. No one cries because the right trainer was a bad fit and ended up rubbing against the heel so badly that they were limping home last night like I was.
It was then I realised that I was not crying because the right trainer was a god awful bad fit, no. I wasn't crying because I had spent fifty pounds because they looked fantastic on me and had completed my new look that I was trying to fulfil.
A new look.
What 'new look'? What am I trying to achieve? I like the look I have of me now. The two new jeans that I bought fit me well. They are sort of baggy, but not too baggy. I can fold them up at the bottom and add to the taste that I like to include in my appearance. The tops that I wear could be a bit better, but I am satisfied that the new clothes I have purchased most recently are good on show and they have received some compliments.
Once again though I can look at myself in the mirror and spot the issues that is wrong with my body: The 'faults' that lie there. I look in shop window reflections less. I refuse to because I am trying not to place judgement on image only. Everything is so much more about image and how you portray yourself through a visual effect. It's all about the inside and the qualities you possess as a human being: How you think/your morals/personal happiness -
Personal happiness. Ah.
Where is that for me? Why did I cry for so long yesterday? Where is my personal happiness, and how much of it do I have inside me right now?
My Mum taught me that happiness comes inside from yourself. You cannot extract happiness out of other people which is why I don't like these love lyrics that fall out of place so often (for example: 'You make me complete, you make me so happy').
To gain and achieve personal happiness for the rest of your life is difficult. Seemingly impossible at times, especially when obstacles are thrown up against you all the time. Usually off course, it's people that do that for you. However if it weren't for people who test you like that, you would never learn about life and the rollercoaster effect it has on every single person.
I realise that I was crying last night because I really do not think I'm happy on the inside. I might appear content, but I certainly am far from that. For one I analyse things extremely deeply, and that might be so good, so far, especially when it comes to sorting out life problems (I'm considerably less ignorant and more logical than many others) but still analysing so much is not good when it comes to moving on forward and 'living in the moment' as they say.
My issues are mainly based on one singular question: 'What am I going to do in the future?'. Sometimes I have even considered going to a palm reader/psychic to help me out because I do believe that some people have that talent. Not all but some. I probably will at some point because right now I'm at square one...again. That word 'again' always crops up with my single question. Again, again, and a-fucking-gain. I'm starting to hate that word, especially in conjunction with that question because it is happening too frequently.
Briefly back to the new trainers before I leave. I have decided to return them. New trainers should not do that to your feet at all. Even though I love them dearly, I'm not going to be hobbling around all the time and be uncomfortable. I had enough of that claptrap when I used to wear heels thankyou very much.
The twists of life eh? One day I'm going to get on solid path. One day...
No one cries for trainers. No one cries because the right trainer was a bad fit and ended up rubbing against the heel so badly that they were limping home last night like I was.
It was then I realised that I was not crying because the right trainer was a god awful bad fit, no. I wasn't crying because I had spent fifty pounds because they looked fantastic on me and had completed my new look that I was trying to fulfil.
A new look.
What 'new look'? What am I trying to achieve? I like the look I have of me now. The two new jeans that I bought fit me well. They are sort of baggy, but not too baggy. I can fold them up at the bottom and add to the taste that I like to include in my appearance. The tops that I wear could be a bit better, but I am satisfied that the new clothes I have purchased most recently are good on show and they have received some compliments.
Once again though I can look at myself in the mirror and spot the issues that is wrong with my body: The 'faults' that lie there. I look in shop window reflections less. I refuse to because I am trying not to place judgement on image only. Everything is so much more about image and how you portray yourself through a visual effect. It's all about the inside and the qualities you possess as a human being: How you think/your morals/personal happiness -
Personal happiness. Ah.
Where is that for me? Why did I cry for so long yesterday? Where is my personal happiness, and how much of it do I have inside me right now?
My Mum taught me that happiness comes inside from yourself. You cannot extract happiness out of other people which is why I don't like these love lyrics that fall out of place so often (for example: 'You make me complete, you make me so happy').
To gain and achieve personal happiness for the rest of your life is difficult. Seemingly impossible at times, especially when obstacles are thrown up against you all the time. Usually off course, it's people that do that for you. However if it weren't for people who test you like that, you would never learn about life and the rollercoaster effect it has on every single person.
I realise that I was crying last night because I really do not think I'm happy on the inside. I might appear content, but I certainly am far from that. For one I analyse things extremely deeply, and that might be so good, so far, especially when it comes to sorting out life problems (I'm considerably less ignorant and more logical than many others) but still analysing so much is not good when it comes to moving on forward and 'living in the moment' as they say.
My issues are mainly based on one singular question: 'What am I going to do in the future?'. Sometimes I have even considered going to a palm reader/psychic to help me out because I do believe that some people have that talent. Not all but some. I probably will at some point because right now I'm at square one...again. That word 'again' always crops up with my single question. Again, again, and a-fucking-gain. I'm starting to hate that word, especially in conjunction with that question because it is happening too frequently.
Briefly back to the new trainers before I leave. I have decided to return them. New trainers should not do that to your feet at all. Even though I love them dearly, I'm not going to be hobbling around all the time and be uncomfortable. I had enough of that claptrap when I used to wear heels thankyou very much.
The twists of life eh? One day I'm going to get on solid path. One day...
Saturday, 17 May 2008
My phone is broken but I'm glad I don't have a massive penis.
The phone is broke.
...and I'm sitting here on my bed in a pissed off mood because I was the one that did the deed. If it's anything that I get fucked off with, it's when technology does not work properly for no good reason. I plugged my phone in to the USB port so I could transfer my photo's I took of last night onto Facebook and Myspace but the thing was not responding at all. I proceeded to try the other USB port and neither did that work.
Nada then starts to get from 0% on the calm scale, rising almost immediately to that 100% mark of being totally discontent. Temper rising by the second, I yank the phone from the USB cord and throw it with force down onto the floor in front of me. I then lean over coolly to see the damage...Yep, the phone is in about five different pieces. I pick the phone up, and look at it from different angles. The screen is broken, the buttons are not actually connected to it anymore, the battery is on the other side of the floor, but luckily the SIM card is still in tact.
I say 'fuck' a few times, before attempting to engage the pieces together and make the stupid thing work again (fat chance). Nope, nothing happens respectably. The only thing that seems to be working is the screen turning on and off and that's virtually all. I breathe a *sigh* before going back on msn and explaining to my friends that I just broke the phone. Angelika replies 'That's quite worrying' whilst Hannah advises 'Calm down Nada!'.
This is something silly. I always give in to my temper in regards to technology. If something doesn't work I'll go mad. Equally if it does not work for no good reason, then I'll go even more mad then before. I have broken this laptop three times but I actually refuse to even go near it if anything goes wrong because I've learnt my lesson in that area. I love the internet too much to do it again.
Luckily I don't have a girlfriend that I have to keep in touch with or otherwise I may be more screwed then I am now. I don't really care actually. The only thing I care about is the fact that I have to phone up Orange, give this god awful excuse to shy away from the fact that it was my fault that I was the one that broke it (Consequently the comprehensive insurance does not cover anything if you damage the product yourself understandably).
I shall do that in approximately ten minutes, and then I shall go out and buy a cheap ass phone which was made way back in 1998 or something, just to receive text messages.
I'm such a shit really.
But at least I don't have that massive penis attached to me like I dreamt of the other night. Now that was probably more disturbing than the phone or my temper with technology. I have no idea why I dreamt it, but it was very spontaneous. I happened to be in a room with a double bed. I think it was my old room in my house where I used to live when I was growing up. And I got up and walked around with it very erect and hard. It was absolutely massive and yes, I have seen some penises in my time. Comparing this one to the ones I have seen, well...there is no comparison. This one was huge! I actually felt the texture of it and everything. I then walked around my room with it erect looking at it in awe and repeating 'Wow! This is so cool/weird'
Penis envy? No. Sex change? No! What would Sigmond Freud say? Probably nothing to do with sex, that dream would be too obvious. He would probably it's to do with the fact that I'm not getting paid enough at work or I'm going to come across some crossroad in life and have to make a decision.
Well...Time to get my fat ass out of this bed and sort out this phone then.
One good thing that will occur today - I'm playing football today. I like playing football as opposed to watching it.
...and I'm sitting here on my bed in a pissed off mood because I was the one that did the deed. If it's anything that I get fucked off with, it's when technology does not work properly for no good reason. I plugged my phone in to the USB port so I could transfer my photo's I took of last night onto Facebook and Myspace but the thing was not responding at all. I proceeded to try the other USB port and neither did that work.
Nada then starts to get from 0% on the calm scale, rising almost immediately to that 100% mark of being totally discontent. Temper rising by the second, I yank the phone from the USB cord and throw it with force down onto the floor in front of me. I then lean over coolly to see the damage...Yep, the phone is in about five different pieces. I pick the phone up, and look at it from different angles. The screen is broken, the buttons are not actually connected to it anymore, the battery is on the other side of the floor, but luckily the SIM card is still in tact.
I say 'fuck' a few times, before attempting to engage the pieces together and make the stupid thing work again (fat chance). Nope, nothing happens respectably. The only thing that seems to be working is the screen turning on and off and that's virtually all. I breathe a *sigh* before going back on msn and explaining to my friends that I just broke the phone. Angelika replies 'That's quite worrying' whilst Hannah advises 'Calm down Nada!'.
This is something silly. I always give in to my temper in regards to technology. If something doesn't work I'll go mad. Equally if it does not work for no good reason, then I'll go even more mad then before. I have broken this laptop three times but I actually refuse to even go near it if anything goes wrong because I've learnt my lesson in that area. I love the internet too much to do it again.
Luckily I don't have a girlfriend that I have to keep in touch with or otherwise I may be more screwed then I am now. I don't really care actually. The only thing I care about is the fact that I have to phone up Orange, give this god awful excuse to shy away from the fact that it was my fault that I was the one that broke it (Consequently the comprehensive insurance does not cover anything if you damage the product yourself understandably).
I shall do that in approximately ten minutes, and then I shall go out and buy a cheap ass phone which was made way back in 1998 or something, just to receive text messages.
I'm such a shit really.
But at least I don't have that massive penis attached to me like I dreamt of the other night. Now that was probably more disturbing than the phone or my temper with technology. I have no idea why I dreamt it, but it was very spontaneous. I happened to be in a room with a double bed. I think it was my old room in my house where I used to live when I was growing up. And I got up and walked around with it very erect and hard. It was absolutely massive and yes, I have seen some penises in my time. Comparing this one to the ones I have seen, well...there is no comparison. This one was huge! I actually felt the texture of it and everything. I then walked around my room with it erect looking at it in awe and repeating 'Wow! This is so cool/weird'
Penis envy? No. Sex change? No! What would Sigmond Freud say? Probably nothing to do with sex, that dream would be too obvious. He would probably it's to do with the fact that I'm not getting paid enough at work or I'm going to come across some crossroad in life and have to make a decision.
Well...Time to get my fat ass out of this bed and sort out this phone then.
One good thing that will occur today - I'm playing football today. I like playing football as opposed to watching it.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Personal Identity.
So it's 12.15am on another Monday morning. Off course I'm wide awake as I have been an absolute lazy bastard in the day. I finally managed to haul my ass out of bed, rub my eyes a few times and carelessly swing the door open to start my bath and have a goddam hair wash (at last).
Admittedly this weekend has been a flurry of emotional ups and downs. Apart from accepting the fact that the girl I like so much left on Friday and knowing very well I was going to miss her. I felt as if I might have missed out on something that could have been good (maybe) but alas, the control was not in my hands. I'm just very glad I met such an amazing girl. I also had hardly eaten throughout the day of saturday and I was experiencing yet another demeaning identity crisis ever so suddenly.
I'm now sitting here with my 'NY' cap on backwards, black tank top I hate because it makes my hips look wide (but I'd get hot with a t-shirt on), and my new favourite jeans I bought in Brighton the other day, thinking 'Who am I?' and moreover 'Who am I trying to become?'. I'm not so sure that Faith Hill's song 'Breathe' is the correct song to listen to whilst I'm writing this, but I don't usually like the sound of the keys clapping against my fingers, therefore I would rather listen to music to drown it out.
I was talking to a friend on msn today and we were discussing 'personal identity'. It was in depth enough for me to start questioning things that I usually would not have thought of in the first place.
I feel that...I am not who I want to be, but who I want to be is someone I do not know. I mean, I dress in a fashion that is comfortable to how I feel but my underlying thoughts is that I want to change the way I look just to suit the 'label' I have placed on myself. People who know me know that I am very open with my sexuality. Very, very open in fact and some individuals wonder why I'm so outspoken. I'm outspoken because I remained indenial for almost ten years, knowing full well what my sexual orientation was from aged twelve. It's not easy to suppress something like that in the long term. It's virtually impossible because your trying to keep that part of you locked away, even though you know full well that it's something you absolutely crave.
It's interesting looking back a year ago. Last July I came out as gay to most people except my father. He won't know for a while and he need not know until I have a long term girlfriend. When I initially admitted to myself whom I was, I didn't really place that label down...well I did in retrospect, but I didn't pressure on it too much. I proceeded to start going out to gay clubs and established a few connections with lesbians and the like. I could go into a club and be confident enough to kiss a girl every night I went out. It wasn't hard for me, because I wasn't analysing anything: I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. When you act upon impulse, sometimes the best results are emitted because you rely more on your intuition rather than weighing up the odds and thinking too much.
Now however, I'm at some kind of crossroad with myself. I do know who I am as a person. I know and am aware of how I act around people. I know about self awareness and raising personal moral standards. I know how to treat other people right and not harbour bad intentions in life...
But I'm not sure I know..'me'. No let me rephrase that because I know whom I am and what I'm made up of. I just don't know how much personal happiness is stored inside of me. To be honest, I emit all this glow and constant smiles to people, but deep down I don't feel terribly happy. I hate to see pictures of myself, but still take them to justify my belief that I'm ugly in many areas. The more I see them, the more I hate them. I don't even know why I do it really. I try and be grateful for what I have been given within me and how I've grown as a person, but I still find myself somewhat...lost. I don't know, I can explain it but I cannot at the same time.
I know that I feel as if I miss out on a lot of things and I do not know if that's because I'm not acting upon my impulse enough or if it's because things just do not pass my way that easily. Love and relationships are a big issue right now because I feel that ninety five percent of twenty two year old people have experienced something of satisfaction in regards to having a love/lust reciprocated even if it was miniscule. I have not experienced a single thing. I cannot understand why this is? I try and believe in a more paranormal solution if ever there were one. I try and believe that the more I'm waiting, the more amazing that person will be when I finally meet her. It will be more breath-taking then anyone will care to know. It will be so unique and sacred between us that it will almost be as if we created our own para-world. Something so different and exciting, that no one could possibly experience what we are.
I class myself as a romantic but my mum taught me never to become too much of a fantasist or idealist. Idealisms and fantasies can cause a person to put their own head in the clouds and start seeing the world in a very non-realistic way. Then off course there is the hope of something that may not have been there in the first place thus bitter disappointment.
I know what I'm saying here seems rather bland, but this is a blog after all. My thoughts are untangling all at the same time. I have so much more I could say. In fact I could say this in a much more constructive and easy way, but when I listen to music and write at the same time, part of the brain is focusing on the music off course. If I turned it off, I could think far more clearer.
Until next time, which I hope will be soon, I bid you farewell.
Admittedly this weekend has been a flurry of emotional ups and downs. Apart from accepting the fact that the girl I like so much left on Friday and knowing very well I was going to miss her. I felt as if I might have missed out on something that could have been good (maybe) but alas, the control was not in my hands. I'm just very glad I met such an amazing girl. I also had hardly eaten throughout the day of saturday and I was experiencing yet another demeaning identity crisis ever so suddenly.
I'm now sitting here with my 'NY' cap on backwards, black tank top I hate because it makes my hips look wide (but I'd get hot with a t-shirt on), and my new favourite jeans I bought in Brighton the other day, thinking 'Who am I?' and moreover 'Who am I trying to become?'. I'm not so sure that Faith Hill's song 'Breathe' is the correct song to listen to whilst I'm writing this, but I don't usually like the sound of the keys clapping against my fingers, therefore I would rather listen to music to drown it out.
I was talking to a friend on msn today and we were discussing 'personal identity'. It was in depth enough for me to start questioning things that I usually would not have thought of in the first place.
I feel that...I am not who I want to be, but who I want to be is someone I do not know. I mean, I dress in a fashion that is comfortable to how I feel but my underlying thoughts is that I want to change the way I look just to suit the 'label' I have placed on myself. People who know me know that I am very open with my sexuality. Very, very open in fact and some individuals wonder why I'm so outspoken. I'm outspoken because I remained indenial for almost ten years, knowing full well what my sexual orientation was from aged twelve. It's not easy to suppress something like that in the long term. It's virtually impossible because your trying to keep that part of you locked away, even though you know full well that it's something you absolutely crave.
It's interesting looking back a year ago. Last July I came out as gay to most people except my father. He won't know for a while and he need not know until I have a long term girlfriend. When I initially admitted to myself whom I was, I didn't really place that label down...well I did in retrospect, but I didn't pressure on it too much. I proceeded to start going out to gay clubs and established a few connections with lesbians and the like. I could go into a club and be confident enough to kiss a girl every night I went out. It wasn't hard for me, because I wasn't analysing anything: I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. When you act upon impulse, sometimes the best results are emitted because you rely more on your intuition rather than weighing up the odds and thinking too much.
Now however, I'm at some kind of crossroad with myself. I do know who I am as a person. I know and am aware of how I act around people. I know about self awareness and raising personal moral standards. I know how to treat other people right and not harbour bad intentions in life...
But I'm not sure I know..'me'. No let me rephrase that because I know whom I am and what I'm made up of. I just don't know how much personal happiness is stored inside of me. To be honest, I emit all this glow and constant smiles to people, but deep down I don't feel terribly happy. I hate to see pictures of myself, but still take them to justify my belief that I'm ugly in many areas. The more I see them, the more I hate them. I don't even know why I do it really. I try and be grateful for what I have been given within me and how I've grown as a person, but I still find myself somewhat...lost. I don't know, I can explain it but I cannot at the same time.
I know that I feel as if I miss out on a lot of things and I do not know if that's because I'm not acting upon my impulse enough or if it's because things just do not pass my way that easily. Love and relationships are a big issue right now because I feel that ninety five percent of twenty two year old people have experienced something of satisfaction in regards to having a love/lust reciprocated even if it was miniscule. I have not experienced a single thing. I cannot understand why this is? I try and believe in a more paranormal solution if ever there were one. I try and believe that the more I'm waiting, the more amazing that person will be when I finally meet her. It will be more breath-taking then anyone will care to know. It will be so unique and sacred between us that it will almost be as if we created our own para-world. Something so different and exciting, that no one could possibly experience what we are.
I class myself as a romantic but my mum taught me never to become too much of a fantasist or idealist. Idealisms and fantasies can cause a person to put their own head in the clouds and start seeing the world in a very non-realistic way. Then off course there is the hope of something that may not have been there in the first place thus bitter disappointment.
I know what I'm saying here seems rather bland, but this is a blog after all. My thoughts are untangling all at the same time. I have so much more I could say. In fact I could say this in a much more constructive and easy way, but when I listen to music and write at the same time, part of the brain is focusing on the music off course. If I turned it off, I could think far more clearer.
Until next time, which I hope will be soon, I bid you farewell.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
The banks.
First and formost let me update all ye gentle folk about what happened in regards with my re-directed mail. Looking at this blog I realise that this particular cause has not been yet resurrected, so let me put your mind at rest (not that you really care do you my friends..)
I took time off of work today to get the change of address sorted out on my bank statements in which I have completed. I must say, the Lloyd's Tsb brance near Tottenham Court Station is rather impressive. In fact looking at the indoor architecture almost caused me to completely forgive this lovely looking bank for charging me God knows what in extortionate charges and fees. In fact let me just outline this particularly pathetic story (and the reason why I shake a clenched fist every now and then) very quickly:
Basically back in the good old times when I could spend, spend, spend and not worry so much about what was coming in, I thought 'bugger this, I'm going to spend some money on myself today. I'm going to go into my overdraft, right up to the edge - to the last pound. That's right. Watch me do it'. And I did. Now on the same day Lloyd's Tsb (who I was coincidently employed by as a rather monotone data entry typer) was meant to pay my last instalment of my money. Cut a long story short, they didn't pay me, and on the same day my phone bill got paid out via direct debit. Off course I went over my overdraft, got slapped in the face by multiple fees (don't forget that everyday you do not pay in to take back into the 'black' you get charged more. And then get charged for being charged. It's a hole that gets deeper and deeper really. At the same time, your using the same old shitty ladder to get out of it). So because I was about £3 over my overdraft (yes that ridiculous amount) thus they proceeded with the £30 charges etc.
See I've worked in a bank. I work in the Royal Bank of (shit)land. I know about bank charges, but at the same time off course I was working for the bank therefore I had some sort of duty to defend them and their extortionate charges when a woman or someone came in with dry tears, 8 children, drunken husband and one dishevelled looking bankcard. Off course in retrospect it is your fault that this happens. 'Look after your money and watch what you pay out' says the wise, but when we have Direct Debits, and stupid employment payments do not pay out what are we meant to do? Beg? Write a emotionally justified letter to the CEO of whatever? Cut our arm off and scream that it's impossible to work now so we cannot possibly be charged like this, it's inhumane!
Right well. I shall stop complaining about banks. Because that's not what I'm writing about. Recognise the title my friends:
'Being a lesbian is rather interesting'.
I must say I agree with myself. Being gay is interesting you see, especially when you meet someone new, or a whole bunch of new people. See no one can tell I'm a lesbian. Not even in a gay club, like I was in Brighton. Some weird Spanish guy came up to me and started trying to chat me up. Then when I stated I was gay ( and flapped my arms around a bit directing his attention towards my decision of very tomboyish choice of dress that night) he was rather adamant about it. 'Your not gay are you? Noooooooo you can't be. Are you really? (Times that question by 5 or so).
And men who approach me in the street, even with my headphones on: One in Kings Cross, the other in the tube, the next in the sweet shop down my road ('I hope I see you again'), one on the bus home at about 3.30am who was asking me whether it was safe to take a sniff of cocaine on the bus.
I sound angry but I'm not really off course. It's flattering to a degree completely. Maybe therefore to solve this growing 'so called issue' I should 'butch' myself up: shaved head, don't pluck the eyebrows anymore, try and grow a beard and some facial hair and strap the boobs down.
On second thought...no.
Now for me this is rather delicious,because being the person I am, I happen to have a liking for girls who actually look like girls. I.e, not the butch, tatooed, smoking a cigarette with a bunch of large gold rings on her fingers, girl. What's delicious about this? Nothing, the word just sounds good. It's in fact, deliciously annoying. There you go.
Of the majority of feminine ladies out there, a lot of them are straight (Even though I believe a lot of girls are bi-sexual). In fact I have a big liking for one girl right now. Off course she won't know who she is, unless she can justify and guess this by act of insight and great analysis that she is she whom I fancy, then she shall never really know. She's a seemingly open-minded kind of person in fact. Fun-loving, quirky, jokey and very very pretty. No let me say that again in a different way: Stunning. To me anyway, but I for sure know that a lot of the male species have a liking towards her. She probably does know actually. Actually I think she might looking back at the 'signs'.
Shit.
This happens. Being a lesbian I like the ladies who look like ladies. Undoubtedly I will therefore go for the 'straight' kind. You have a duty to laugh at me and mock my unluckiness (if ever there was such a thing) because now I actually laugh at it myself.
I do not really mind as it's happened so many times, I shrug my shoulders almost carelessly and move on. In fact it's like some kind of queuing system where I sit with a clip and board ticking off prospective 'candidates' that could have been.
Ain't life just a rollercoaster? One day your upside down, the next you are being projected the other direction, the next your going round in circles.
It's what makes living interesting and curious.
*smiles*
I took time off of work today to get the change of address sorted out on my bank statements in which I have completed. I must say, the Lloyd's Tsb brance near Tottenham Court Station is rather impressive. In fact looking at the indoor architecture almost caused me to completely forgive this lovely looking bank for charging me God knows what in extortionate charges and fees. In fact let me just outline this particularly pathetic story (and the reason why I shake a clenched fist every now and then) very quickly:
Basically back in the good old times when I could spend, spend, spend and not worry so much about what was coming in, I thought 'bugger this, I'm going to spend some money on myself today. I'm going to go into my overdraft, right up to the edge - to the last pound. That's right. Watch me do it'. And I did. Now on the same day Lloyd's Tsb (who I was coincidently employed by as a rather monotone data entry typer) was meant to pay my last instalment of my money. Cut a long story short, they didn't pay me, and on the same day my phone bill got paid out via direct debit. Off course I went over my overdraft, got slapped in the face by multiple fees (don't forget that everyday you do not pay in to take back into the 'black' you get charged more. And then get charged for being charged. It's a hole that gets deeper and deeper really. At the same time, your using the same old shitty ladder to get out of it). So because I was about £3 over my overdraft (yes that ridiculous amount) thus they proceeded with the £30 charges etc.
See I've worked in a bank. I work in the Royal Bank of (shit)land. I know about bank charges, but at the same time off course I was working for the bank therefore I had some sort of duty to defend them and their extortionate charges when a woman or someone came in with dry tears, 8 children, drunken husband and one dishevelled looking bankcard. Off course in retrospect it is your fault that this happens. 'Look after your money and watch what you pay out' says the wise, but when we have Direct Debits, and stupid employment payments do not pay out what are we meant to do? Beg? Write a emotionally justified letter to the CEO of whatever? Cut our arm off and scream that it's impossible to work now so we cannot possibly be charged like this, it's inhumane!
Right well. I shall stop complaining about banks. Because that's not what I'm writing about. Recognise the title my friends:
'Being a lesbian is rather interesting'.
I must say I agree with myself. Being gay is interesting you see, especially when you meet someone new, or a whole bunch of new people. See no one can tell I'm a lesbian. Not even in a gay club, like I was in Brighton. Some weird Spanish guy came up to me and started trying to chat me up. Then when I stated I was gay ( and flapped my arms around a bit directing his attention towards my decision of very tomboyish choice of dress that night) he was rather adamant about it. 'Your not gay are you? Noooooooo you can't be. Are you really? (Times that question by 5 or so).
And men who approach me in the street, even with my headphones on: One in Kings Cross, the other in the tube, the next in the sweet shop down my road ('I hope I see you again'), one on the bus home at about 3.30am who was asking me whether it was safe to take a sniff of cocaine on the bus.
I sound angry but I'm not really off course. It's flattering to a degree completely. Maybe therefore to solve this growing 'so called issue' I should 'butch' myself up: shaved head, don't pluck the eyebrows anymore, try and grow a beard and some facial hair and strap the boobs down.
On second thought...no.
Now for me this is rather delicious,because being the person I am, I happen to have a liking for girls who actually look like girls. I.e, not the butch, tatooed, smoking a cigarette with a bunch of large gold rings on her fingers, girl. What's delicious about this? Nothing, the word just sounds good. It's in fact, deliciously annoying. There you go.
Of the majority of feminine ladies out there, a lot of them are straight (Even though I believe a lot of girls are bi-sexual). In fact I have a big liking for one girl right now. Off course she won't know who she is, unless she can justify and guess this by act of insight and great analysis that she is she whom I fancy, then she shall never really know. She's a seemingly open-minded kind of person in fact. Fun-loving, quirky, jokey and very very pretty. No let me say that again in a different way: Stunning. To me anyway, but I for sure know that a lot of the male species have a liking towards her. She probably does know actually. Actually I think she might looking back at the 'signs'.
Shit.
This happens. Being a lesbian I like the ladies who look like ladies. Undoubtedly I will therefore go for the 'straight' kind. You have a duty to laugh at me and mock my unluckiness (if ever there was such a thing) because now I actually laugh at it myself.
I do not really mind as it's happened so many times, I shrug my shoulders almost carelessly and move on. In fact it's like some kind of queuing system where I sit with a clip and board ticking off prospective 'candidates' that could have been.
Ain't life just a rollercoaster? One day your upside down, the next you are being projected the other direction, the next your going round in circles.
It's what makes living interesting and curious.
*smiles*
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