Bad dream.

I woke up at 8.30am this morning on the receipt of a bad dream. The content was to do with ghosts and bad ghost stories. I was due to move into a new place, that was quite cheap. A young guy came to me and described a scary ghost story that he deemed to be true in which it happened to him. His description was very vivid and I was envisioning the entire episode quite well. What happened after this was yet another penis dream. I can't quite tell whether I had it or it was just some kind of weird attachment on me. I cannot quite identify what happened there, but at one point I had one but it was fairly small in comparison to the other penis dream I had.

The dream was a mixture of many different things. I'm starting to remember other attributes actually, like a train that went from London to Littlehampton (A town near to where I used to live). The atmosphere in the dream was quite dim and I remember feeling pretty lost and alone in it. I was wondering around a lot not really knowing where I was going or what I was trying to pursue. I think at one point I went up and down and escalator trying to find direction.

I woke up feeling lonely and a little scared by the content of what I had dreamt. I switched the light on and checked my laptop and various applications like Facebook and Myspace before I placed it on the floor and slept for another few hours.

For some reason that lonely feeling is still inhibited in me from a few hours ago. I'm sitting here in my bed wishing someone was with me.

To be honest I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. All I know is that I want some enlightenment. I want to be able to go through a few months at least with no emotional rollercoasters like I tend to fucking experience most of the time. I'm thinking of taking this ten day meditation course up north of England or just going somewhere where I can relax and not be in the same surroundings that remind me of this and that. I know going away does not solve any problems but seriously, to me, it can. I'm torturing my mind by looking at where I am and reminded myself of this situation and that situation that happened and what good could have occured if I'd acted different.

I really need a holiday. I want to go to America to see my family, but the only slight issue is that they might all know I'm gay by now. My Dad threatened to tell all my immediate family when he found out I was gay.

I haven't said anything about this have I?

I will briefly outline it now then. Last sunday I texted my Dad after he texted me about the fact that I am invited to his birthday celebration. During the course of the texts I ended up telling him that I am gay. His response was 'I am tremendously upset, or otherwise I would not be a normal father who wants his daughters to grow up, get married and have children'. (who says gay couples cannot lead a healthy family life?). Later on he then proceeded to call my Mum and (as usual) shout at her down the phone: 'Did you know my daughter was gay?' and 'I'll fucking kick the shit out of her and her girlfriend if they ever step foot in my house'. All this is just anger talking but I knew he was going to be angry and I expected this reaction through and through. This is why I was not in the slightest surprised. He's one of the most narrow minded individuals I know: He's racist/selfish/tight with his money (No card or birthday present for my birthday)/stubborn and 'always right'. I still love him dearly though. You only have two parents in the world that cannot be replaced. Despite the stupid stuff he imposes and his subjective approaches I still love him as my Dad and always will do.

He texted me after he spoke to my Mum and expressed the fact that he would never accept me being gay but he would have to live with it. He mentioned that he would never want to meet my girlfriend, talk about it and wanted to pretend that this conversation never took place.

He mentioned to my Mum that he would tell my uncle's and aunt's and the family. My Mum tried to reason with him and said that they didn't need to know. His response was 'Off course they need to know, they have a right to know'.

I know my Grandmother knows. She seemed disappointed but was better at accepting it. My Mum told her which annoyed me at first because I specifically told my mum not to tell anyone without my permission. I don't even know what made her tell my Grandmother, but I don't care. I don't care who knows now. It's me, it's who I am and what I've become and it doesn't alter any aspect of my personality, my character and my morals.

I responded to my Dad's text by saying similar as to what I said above. He never responded and I expected that. It'll be a while before I see him again methinks but I don't mind. I've gone a year without seeing him because I had to get away so I think it's plausible to let 'nature take it's course' and allow him to come round to the idea.

Now I am literally going to force myself to get up and do something. This is fucking insane. I'm getting depressed over one thing that did not go right with me, and I'm spiralling into this ridiculous and pathetic way of life, that being sulking and sitting feeling sorry for myself and that fact that I missed out on something good. It's not like I've lost a fucking war, or that I've got a terminal health problem!

Get the fuck up Nada and stop moping about! Seriously...