Personal Identity.

So it's 12.15am on another Monday morning. Off course I'm wide awake as I have been an absolute lazy bastard in the day. I finally managed to haul my ass out of bed, rub my eyes a few times and carelessly swing the door open to start my bath and have a goddam hair wash (at last).

Admittedly this weekend has been a flurry of emotional ups and downs. Apart from accepting the fact that the girl I like so much left on Friday and knowing very well I was going to miss her. I felt as if I might have missed out on something that could have been good (maybe) but alas, the control was not in my hands. I'm just very glad I met such an amazing girl. I also had hardly eaten throughout the day of saturday and I was experiencing yet another demeaning identity crisis ever so suddenly.

I'm now sitting here with my 'NY' cap on backwards, black tank top I hate because it makes my hips look wide (but I'd get hot with a t-shirt on), and my new favourite jeans I bought in Brighton the other day, thinking 'Who am I?' and moreover 'Who am I trying to become?'. I'm not so sure that Faith Hill's song 'Breathe' is the correct song to listen to whilst I'm writing this, but I don't usually like the sound of the keys clapping against my fingers, therefore I would rather listen to music to drown it out.

I was talking to a friend on msn today and we were discussing 'personal identity'. It was in depth enough for me to start questioning things that I usually would not have thought of in the first place.

I feel that...I am not who I want to be, but who I want to be is someone I do not know. I mean, I dress in a fashion that is comfortable to how I feel but my underlying thoughts is that I want to change the way I look just to suit the 'label' I have placed on myself. People who know me know that I am very open with my sexuality. Very, very open in fact and some individuals wonder why I'm so outspoken. I'm outspoken because I remained indenial for almost ten years, knowing full well what my sexual orientation was from aged twelve. It's not easy to suppress something like that in the long term. It's virtually impossible because your trying to keep that part of you locked away, even though you know full well that it's something you absolutely crave.

It's interesting looking back a year ago. Last July I came out as gay to most people except my father. He won't know for a while and he need not know until I have a long term girlfriend. When I initially admitted to myself whom I was, I didn't really place that label down...well I did in retrospect, but I didn't pressure on it too much. I proceeded to start going out to gay clubs and established a few connections with lesbians and the like. I could go into a club and be confident enough to kiss a girl every night I went out. It wasn't hard for me, because I wasn't analysing anything: I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. When you act upon impulse, sometimes the best results are emitted because you rely more on your intuition rather than weighing up the odds and thinking too much.

Now however, I'm at some kind of crossroad with myself. I do know who I am as a person. I know and am aware of how I act around people. I know about self awareness and raising personal moral standards. I know how to treat other people right and not harbour bad intentions in life...

But I'm not sure I know..'me'. No let me rephrase that because I know whom I am and what I'm made up of. I just don't know how much personal happiness is stored inside of me. To be honest, I emit all this glow and constant smiles to people, but deep down I don't feel terribly happy. I hate to see pictures of myself, but still take them to justify my belief that I'm ugly in many areas. The more I see them, the more I hate them. I don't even know why I do it really. I try and be grateful for what I have been given within me and how I've grown as a person, but I still find myself somewhat...lost. I don't know, I can explain it but I cannot at the same time.

I know that I feel as if I miss out on a lot of things and I do not know if that's because I'm not acting upon my impulse enough or if it's because things just do not pass my way that easily. Love and relationships are a big issue right now because I feel that ninety five percent of twenty two year old people have experienced something of satisfaction in regards to having a love/lust reciprocated even if it was miniscule. I have not experienced a single thing. I cannot understand why this is? I try and believe in a more paranormal solution if ever there were one. I try and believe that the more I'm waiting, the more amazing that person will be when I finally meet her. It will be more breath-taking then anyone will care to know. It will be so unique and sacred between us that it will almost be as if we created our own para-world. Something so different and exciting, that no one could possibly experience what we are.

I class myself as a romantic but my mum taught me never to become too much of a fantasist or idealist. Idealisms and fantasies can cause a person to put their own head in the clouds and start seeing the world in a very non-realistic way. Then off course there is the hope of something that may not have been there in the first place thus bitter disappointment.

I know what I'm saying here seems rather bland, but this is a blog after all. My thoughts are untangling all at the same time. I have so much more I could say. In fact I could say this in a much more constructive and easy way, but when I listen to music and write at the same time, part of the brain is focusing on the music off course. If I turned it off, I could think far more clearer.

Until next time, which I hope will be soon, I bid you farewell.