My state of mind.

...So right now I'm sitting here glancing at my phone pondering whether I should give her a call and try to explain how I really feel.



Frustrated tears have succumb within the past day because I cannot understand the frequency of my own thoughts and feelings I tend to inhibit. Sometime's it's like I'm staring at a torn canvass or something pondering how the fuck it got so bad.

I pick up my phone and slide the top up that reveals the buttons. Who shall I call for a conversation? I firstly try to contact Ashi who had her phone off. Lost, I stare into space for a few seconds before my Mum figures prominently in my head. I call her home number once, no answer. I know that she leaves the phone lying around in all sorts of weird and wonderful places where she cannot get her hands on it in time, so I proceed to call her once again, in which she picks up.

'Mum, hi how are you?' I ask solemnly.

'Fine darling. How are you?' Her affectionate attitude spark my tears again, and I can't help but to start crying and asking for her help and advice. If it's anyone that I go running to in times of need it's always going to be her.

'Not good. I don't know Mum, I need you to help me with this situation. It's such a stupid thing but for some reason I'm really not happy'

I proceed to explain the full course of the situation that occured within the last twenty four hours and exactly why I had been kicking myself for the past four hours.

'It's because your inhibited' She goes to explain 'It's to do with how you were brought up, and that's ingrained in you. Your exactly like what your Dad used to be at twenty two, you find it hard to show emotion and feeling.'

I gathered this information in and knew what she was saying was completely right.

'But I don't understand why I can't show how I really feel Mum. When I was with her I was just...not doing anything even though I told her I liked her and I can't understand why I don't do anything and why I become so scared of something like this?'

What she said rung true and I know it's true. I know that being brought up in purely a negative atmosphere will become habitual in a person's way of thing. Especially if you are born into it. I don't sit and make out that my life in the past was the worse ever, because there are other situations where it gets very bad. I hate self pity and it's very rare I dip into it.

'Let me tell you something. Your Dad used to act like he didn't care at all, and people ended up thinking that he was a cold person who did not consider other people enough. He's a very narrow minded individual and you know that. I'm not saying that you are like him in that area, because you arn't. You are capable of showing emotions but you have to start releasing that inhibition and letting go.'

I sat and took in what she told me. Again what she said was logical. I'm coming to realise that when it comes to girls, me and any type of romance where you have to show how you feel fully, it's something that I cannot grasp onto. I think of it as a romantic idealism and how wonderful it would be to be open with a person who you like a lot. It's not unhealthy. In fact it is a nice thought once in a while, but it's a thought that conjures and takes over my mind so much that I get sad and sick of thinking and dreaming about it. I proceed:

'I mean this is silly because it's not like there has been a relationship. It's not like I've suffered from something major and terrible. It's just that I know I could have had a chance where I may have experienced something nice that I wanted to experience for once. I guess I crave it, because I wouldn't be this tangled up in my head about it'

She agreed with me. It's true, I want to experience romance so much even on the slightest most plainest level that I yearn for it. When you yearn for something, you put pressure on yourself and your mind to achieve it, yet to achieve the love or like of another person is very much out of your control. They are either mutually attracted to you or they arn't.

Mum explains:

'It's also about attachment Nada. I know you find it hard to disattach yourself from people, you've even said that yourself'

'I know Mum, but I don't know why I get attached so easily to people. It's silly and annoying. The usual person does not get attached like I do and I want to learn how to stop doing this'

'It's because your insecure' She states. 'Once again it's to do with your bringing up. You require such a sense of security out of other people because you never really had it in your life psychologically. Therefore you attach yourself to a person to maintain stability and security. This is where you need to learn to release your inhibitions and get to grips with the aspects of your own mind. Remember you cannot achieve happiness within other people'

She continues: 'You need to strike a balance between disattachement and attachment. You can disattach yourself from your Dad because of what you said to him about being a lesbian, so you just have to learn to prescribe that to other people and learn that individuals will leave you and others will come'.

Attachment is an issue to me. I know that too well. I cry over something so small like this. It's like I've just got out of a relationship or something of the like. I know that to be able to strike a balance between attachment and disattachment I have to start thinking logically and asking questions. Too many people flow through life acting upon ignorance and imposing stress upon themselves when that really is quite a negative necessity. I also know that I have to program my mind in accepting. In accepting that people come and go and situations turn out sour, maybe at times beyond our control.

My Mum was right: 'You have to set yourself the daily task of accepting. You have to maintain that balance between everything, your thoughts and feelings and learn to reason with yourself. Once you start to program your mind on a daily basis it eventually becomes automatic. What happens after that is that the mind is set free and releases stress from the body. You end up feeling better all around. It's a long process but once you ingrain that into your mind you achieve harmony through mind and body balance'.

'Then I can go on to achieve other things? Right? I mean..because it's not only this, it's other things about me too. It's the fact that I know I'm dismotivated about my career and I'm just not doing anything. I'm focusing on my social life right now and my job in which I need those long hours to gain financial stability' I said.

'You need to be able to free your mind from your inhibitions first because once you do this you effectively release yourself and many other doors are opened. Ask yourself why is it that you are dismotivated?'

She then posed the question directly to me. I pondered for a few seconds and then stated that it was to do with the fact that there are so many thoughts and desires spiralling in my head right now. They are hard to untangle. She answered that if it were anything that would mean that I would be more motivated to achieve things. I do know though, that confusion as to what I want to achieve in my life and the career path I want to follow is too diverse for me to pinpoint what I really want right now and yes, it's annoying me all the time. I answered honestly:

'In fact Mum I don't think it's dismotivation really. I think, well, it's laziness. I just can't be bothered to get up and do something like research a particular topic for instance and do things actively'

She replied: 'Seneca was an ancient philosopher, one of my favourites. Seneca states that 'Life is not short, life is long if you know how to use it'. I'm going to utilise that towards you. Ask what lazy means. Are you not wanting because of the fear of something? Instead of laziness is there an element of reluctance in your thoughts that are preventing you from going ahead with the things you wish to pursue? Nada you can choose to waste time, it's a decision you make. I also know that your mind needs to be fulfilled with knowledge. Your way of operating is the way in which you exist and the best way you get through life is through learning. The more you are keeping the mind inactive, the more that you are becoming frustrated and it's because you block it. Start to become bothered and obligate yourself with work. The more you tell yourself you should be bothered, the more you will be'

It's true though. I have a keen thirst for knowledge and learning. Lately I've been buying all sorts of magazines like 'Psychologies' and 'The National Geographic' because I just want to learn about different things. I find that when I gain a new piece of knowledge I feel better, even if I don't understand it thoroughly.

One last piece of advice rung well in my ears as to what my Mum said. She stated that 'nothing is without a cause'. What that basically refers to is that I should go back to the habit of asking questions and finding the root of a problem. If you always ask, find the answer, then ask again until you get to the bottom of the barrel so to speak, you have effectively dismantled the problem down thereby you can place logic and reasoning on top of that and act upon it in the most positive way.

In regards to her, I like her a lot. More then I thought I did. I know that I've lost out on a chance that might have been good and fun but in life, you live and you learn.

Everyone has problems of their own, but the people who rise above the crowd are the ones who seek to find a positive answer to those problems and integrate it within their daily routine.

It's not hard to start that process I don't think. First thing's first, I'm going to seek out a simple introduction to Philosophy and see where that takes me.

Thankyou for reading.