Compatibility and companionship.

If I was straight I would probably be engaged by now. I'd put money on that quite happily. In fact if I had a stockpile of thousands I'd push it all out onto the betting board along with every other material thing I owned.

I've come across many men in my life which has most definitely had that concoction of being naturally handsome and at the same time kind hearted. The man I dated last before I 'came out' was dark and had that mysterious aura about him. He had a good and healthy body as well as a likeable mental attitude and above all harboured fantastic morals. He was a calm person, logical and had a good solid career. He valued a woman for all she was worth and did the best he could to achieve satisfaction for her on so many levels. Alas, I did not feel the same way despite us doing the things that required intimacy.

It was thereafter I decided that it certainly was not fair on him (or any other man for that matter) to live in pretense and confirm their beliefs through a very false affirmation on my behalf.

I've been openly gay for the past year almost: It will be a year in August. At the beginning I was very keen to jump the bandwagon and do the whole experimenting thing. I went to clubs, I kissed girls when I was relatively drunk, I've been with two girls in bed and 'fooled around' as well as dating one or two. Not one single individual satisfied me either on a mental, emotional or physical level. Nothing what-so-ever.

And I was fine with that. It was a time where all these concepts were brand new to me therefore i did not care what it was I was after, as long as I was getting some stimulation based purely on the fact that I was kissing another girl and she was in fact a 'she', not a 'he'.

Flip forward to the present day. I fell for a girl at work. She knew that because I told her. Today I received a heartwarming message from her telling me how she felt about me. No blow to the ego what-so-ever: I found out that she felt a connection but not on a purely romantic level. I smiled at the whole message because for me, the fact that this individual recognised what I said to her, considered it and took the time to write a meaningful response back is a great act of courtesy in itself.

Navigating off that message (after reading it and smiling coyly about three or four times) I almost suddenly felt a jerk in the back of my mind: a though jerked. The dreaded thought that has been like a tornado of thoughts for a week or two now. It's not a thought, it's a question. That question being:

'Will I ever meet someone who feels the same sort of attraction to me as I do for them?'

The thought deepens:

'Will I ever experience the feeling of true love in a unique, soulful way towards a girl in this lifetime?'

In retrospect these are ridiculous questions. Everyone, (including myself if I be completely honest and realistic) will state that 'yes, off course you will. Off course!'.

But for some reason, already I'm finding it hard to keep the faith in everything here. I wake up each morning these days using the pillow as a substitute for a girl I'm yearning to cuddle and greet her with a kiss to when I wake up. I don't at all have a huge sex drive these days. I just know that I am wishing solidly for companionship.

Philosophers would say that loneliness is a state of mind. It's also said everywhere in every logical sense that you should not need a lover to make you happy. Happiness is an occurance inside of you. It is established via your own train of thought and the reaction you have towards the situations you find yourself in. I know, for instance, that this is a very negative take on the whole notion of romance and compatibility. I know very well that there is more than one person out there that would contribute to my overall happiness, but I'm under-estimating time. I'm under-estimating myself. I'm under-estimating the force of human commitment and communication. I am well aware that I am acting out of 'wishful thinking' and I know why that is. That is currently because I met a girl whom I thought was absolutely fantastic and now she is not there anymore. I miss her a lot, and I know in my heart of hearts and she knows in her heart of hearts that the compatiblities between the two of us is not possible because of the over-lapping obstacles that lie around. Those obstacles are entites of nature itself and both our characteristics.

I managed to get close to a girl I liked in a way that I have never got so close before. I guess I miss that, even if it were for just a short space of time. Perhaps I'm reacting in the knowledge of the fact that there is only one person that is exactly like her and that I know I will never be with her in that way.

However...

In this situation I'm not worried because I know very well that every person is different. Every person sports different capabilities, interests, personalities, morals, motivations, characteristics, images and everything else that is involved in making us whole and individualistic.

I just don't want to miss out on that vital part of life. It might not even be vital, but it's certainly something I wish to experience.

Logically thinking I know I should focus on my career, my health, my friends and family and the world around me and my interaction with it.

This is why I'm treading down the spiritual and philosophical path these days. I want to know my true capacilities and abilities. I want to build my self confidence to do performing arts. I want to be more motivated to get out there and meet more people in social events...But as long as my head is filled with the romantic idealisms of love and romance, I will not edge towards these targets.

Therefore from now on I vow to do the things I love doing that steer the opposite direction from the aforementioned topics that clog my mind up so much lately.

First thing's first, my meditation class tomorrow. It's my first one and I'm looking forward to a new activity that will help me achieve a better state of mind.