Regret.

It's 12.55pm now. I went to bed at 5am after being out in London. I wasn't out late in fact, just until around midnight. I am nocturnal though so I can literally stay up for absolutely ages. The Internet off course, is a voluntary addiction. I have to refrain from staring at the screen for so long.

I'm breathing a sigh of...I don't know. Relief? Anxiety? Annoyance?

I feel subdued slightly but at the same time more calmer than I was yesterday. My worries have laxed a little bit and I feel more at ease. I still know the harsh lesson I have to learn though:

Regret.

Should there be such a thing? If I were an optimistic person perhaps regret would not appear in my dictionary because I wouldn't know how it felt. Do optimistic people feel regret once in a while though? I believe that regret is something you place upon yourself. It's not an emotion really, it's simply an action that sparks off those negative feelings. I think everyone imposes these kinds of things unecessarily at some point in their life. Some people pass over a good chance for a brilliant job, or a particular romance in their life that they let go of when deep down they knew it might not have been the right thing to do. Perhaps some people take a wrong direction in life and end up going through more hardship then they could have avoided.

I believe people who regret (like myself) learn their lessons in a harsher manner, all because of the way they dealt with things. I must admit I do not deal with situations kindly when I know that if I could turn back time, one move different could have altered my entire course of action for the better. However, you can not always tell whether what you do different will guide you down a clearer route. Life has a funny way of throwing spontaneous obstacles down your way, and usually off course, when you least expect it.

I know I'm a pessimist. I grew up with people who did not know how to implement a good psychological bringing up for me. Instead of reasoning and being objective, it was fulfilled with stupid arguments and disregards for people's feelings. But that is no reason for me to remain the way I am today. Everyone is in control of what they do and what action they take (Unless there is a medical disorder etc). Therefore I am in control of how I think, the ways in which I deal with situations and how I undertake my actions.

Why is it that people can spiral down into negativity when something not so good occurs, even though we all know that being positive conjures better feelings and thoughts and in the long term, it's much more healthier? I can only guess that the reason we dig ourselves down into that gaping hole is because our minds are already contending that way. Perhaps it's easier to keep in that state rather than making the effort to slide all the way up the other end of the scale to that positive light.

I think optimistic people are iconic. They are iconic to me because they can let go and problem solve to their advantage so well. They can accept the fact that situations occur for a reason and sometimes that situation may happen not to a persons liking but alas, it happens. You can tell very well who is optimistic because these people emit that glow, that free-spirited soulful energy. You can even see it through their smile and you know it's geniune. You know they are not smiling because they force themselves to. They smile because the world smiles with them, and they have that inner happiness and contentment that so many others have not achieved.

I know my issues and where they lye. I pretty much know where the problems are rooted and I also know that out of common sense and clarity of thought, I can pull myself out of that pessimistic mode and train myself to deal with life in more manageable and stress-free manner. After all, like I've always believed, everything you do is a state of mind and the decisions you make are more or less in your control.

I feel regret now and anxious still. I still cannot eat. This is the fourth day where I have eaten the very minimal. The reason I write in here so much lately is because I can transcribe my thoughts into tangeable and readable words, therefore I can analyse my way of thinking and nit-pick the bad habits I have got myself into. I could say so much more because what I'm basing all this on is a lot of philosophy and philosophy can be so detailed, it could go on forever. Well it practically does really: You establish an answer to a question you ask, and then to obtain the answer to that answer, you have to ask a question again. You just keep asking questions until you exhaust as many routes as possible.

I like philosophy. I would never study it, but I like to learn from it in a basic sort of manner. It helps you learn about yourself and not be ignorant about the aspects of who you are and how you can reach your full potential, in terms of general well-being. The ones who know where they stand with themselves and have realised their potential early on, are the ones who maintain the healthiest and favoured way of life.

I'd like to reach that target before I'm thirty. Off course to train your mind to think differently after years of operating the same way, it's not easy. Even though I might have written a whole blog on this, I know I will go and maintain the same state of mind as I had not so long ago, but at least I'm recognising what is not right and what I have to do to correct it.

Most people go through life not even considering that.

First thing is first I have to learn that regret is an option. I can choose to regret what happened not so long ago, or I can accept it and know that there are many other people in the world who I will meet, who will contribute to my overall happiness. In terms of romance, I must learn to not get so hung up over my expectations of something happening. I also try and predict the future too much. I keep saying to myself that it will be years that I will meet another girl who is remotely compatible with myself. Once again, this is negative thinking. Instead of this I should say perhaps:

'I met a nice girl who I liked a lot. She made me realise some aspects of myself that I did not know, like having issues with showing how I feel and exposing my softer side. Now I know that I have to work on it for the future. I also consider myself lucky that I met someone who liked me for who I am, and that I had that honour of meeting someone special. Some people never allow themselves to enjoy the moment like I did, despite my expectations not being fulfilled'

Everything is in my control.