The new trainers.

So I sat there with my new trainers in my hands, sitting on the end of my bed last night staring at them with silent tears rolling down my face. I then dropped them on the floor and swung myself round onto the bed and lyed face up, staring at the ceiling, still in a flurry and crying quietly.

No one cries for trainers. No one cries because the right trainer was a bad fit and ended up rubbing against the heel so badly that they were limping home last night like I was.

It was then I realised that I was not crying because the right trainer was a god awful bad fit, no. I wasn't crying because I had spent fifty pounds because they looked fantastic on me and had completed my new look that I was trying to fulfil.

A new look.

What 'new look'? What am I trying to achieve? I like the look I have of me now. The two new jeans that I bought fit me well. They are sort of baggy, but not too baggy. I can fold them up at the bottom and add to the taste that I like to include in my appearance. The tops that I wear could be a bit better, but I am satisfied that the new clothes I have purchased most recently are good on show and they have received some compliments.

Once again though I can look at myself in the mirror and spot the issues that is wrong with my body: The 'faults' that lie there. I look in shop window reflections less. I refuse to because I am trying not to place judgement on image only. Everything is so much more about image and how you portray yourself through a visual effect. It's all about the inside and the qualities you possess as a human being: How you think/your morals/personal happiness -

Personal happiness. Ah.

Where is that for me? Why did I cry for so long yesterday? Where is my personal happiness, and how much of it do I have inside me right now?

My Mum taught me that happiness comes inside from yourself. You cannot extract happiness out of other people which is why I don't like these love lyrics that fall out of place so often (for example: 'You make me complete, you make me so happy').

To gain and achieve personal happiness for the rest of your life is difficult. Seemingly impossible at times, especially when obstacles are thrown up against you all the time. Usually off course, it's people that do that for you. However if it weren't for people who test you like that, you would never learn about life and the rollercoaster effect it has on every single person.

I realise that I was crying last night because I really do not think I'm happy on the inside. I might appear content, but I certainly am far from that. For one I analyse things extremely deeply, and that might be so good, so far, especially when it comes to sorting out life problems (I'm considerably less ignorant and more logical than many others) but still analysing so much is not good when it comes to moving on forward and 'living in the moment' as they say.

My issues are mainly based on one singular question: 'What am I going to do in the future?'. Sometimes I have even considered going to a palm reader/psychic to help me out because I do believe that some people have that talent. Not all but some. I probably will at some point because right now I'm at square one...again. That word 'again' always crops up with my single question. Again, again, and a-fucking-gain. I'm starting to hate that word, especially in conjunction with that question because it is happening too frequently.

Briefly back to the new trainers before I leave. I have decided to return them. New trainers should not do that to your feet at all. Even though I love them dearly, I'm not going to be hobbling around all the time and be uncomfortable. I had enough of that claptrap when I used to wear heels thankyou very much.

The twists of life eh? One day I'm going to get on solid path. One day...